5 comments about You Don't Have to Take it Anymore: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One.

1. Stosny's book is excellent! It teaches individuals how to heal from the pain anger has caused and how to heal relationhips damaged by anger in clear and simple steps. I have used the book in counseling with couples struggling in emotionally and physically abuse relationships. Doing the exercises and applying the principles in this book can bring peace and power to the individual and to the relationship.



2. As a counselor I have dealt with clients who are struggling with abuse and have often recommended this book. I find it especially useful, however, for those who are feeling abused, and though it can be useful to those who are abusing, this is only the case if they are already open to the process of "boot camp" utilized in this book. This means they already understand the control and entitlement issues that keep them locked into the abuse pattern as more adequately explained in the book Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Once the abuser has broken through the denial of abuse and is ready for serious confrontation and healing of these issues, the tools of Stosny's book are very valuable, especially his "Heals" steps, for helping the abuser confront the abuse patterns without shame. The book also illustrates how compassion is needed when the person who has been abused finally feels safe enough to express his/her hurt, pain, fear, and anger regarding being abused over the months/years. Used in this light, I feel this book is an extremely useful and valuable tool for both therapists and those who are struggling with abuse directly in their lives. - Dr. Lisa Love, Beyond the Secret



3. I bought this book shortly after my wife had had enough of my angry, resentful and emotionally abusive behavior. I had recognized my problem behavior and been to counseling for years but it did not work. I was even taking medication in order to change my behavior and save my marriage - again, it did not help. When I bought the book, my marriage was over but I was still looking to improve myself for my children. I had to do something or my children would grow up hating me. I read the book and it was like a light went on. I understood where the anger came from, why it was so hard to control and why the endless counseling sessions never helped. I had a sense of hope I had never had before.
   
   I started the HEALS exercises right away and within a week I could feel a difference. I attended one of Dr. Stosny's Boot Camps - it was amazing. The insight into relationships that I learned was incredible. After two weeks of doing the HEALS I felt amazing. I felt a sense of calmness and a sense of control (over myself) that I had never felt before. I was actually happy, deep down inside.
   
   It has been a difficult road but my wife and I are back together and doing well. I still have my moments of anger but they are very few and far between. Practicing HEALS on occasion helps.
   
   I cannot say enough positive things about this book. This book and Dr. Stosny have changed my life and I thank God for bringing both of them into my life. If you are an abuser or feel you are being abused (i.e., walking on eggshells) PLEASE buy this book and get the help you deserve. If you're not sure, click on the "Search Inside" and look at the Excerpt Section. Take the "Walking on Eggshells Quiz" and see how many times you'd check the "Most of the time". My wife would have said it was ALL of the time.
   
   I just finished reading the book "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It: Finding Love Beyond Words" and found it to be very helpful as well.
   
   Also, for those reviewers who feel this book is biased against men, you need to understand that 99% of the abuse that occurs is perpetrated by men. The book is great at explaining the reasons why men are more prone to being angry and resentful and how that leads to abuse. I believe that the book talks about abuse by women and that the HEALS exercises work for that as well.
   
   Thank you Dr. Stosny for helping me get my life back and becoming the husband and father I've always wanted to be but couldn't.



4. As I started reading this book I felt as though he was discribing my marriage exactly - with phrases that my husband says and everything. I have been reading a lot of books about saving a marriage and the emotionally abused and most of them truely focus on the fact that you are the victum and your spouse is the abuser. I was already in a negaative state of mind and was desperatly trying to find a way out to better my thinking and most of those books made me feel as though there may be no hope for us. Those books seemed to also say things that sounded similar to my siutation but this one was right on track and was almost scary how close it came to being EXACTLY like us. The other books focaused a lot on WHO was abusive in my life and making it seem as though it started form when I was a child and started making me resent some people in my family which was not helping me at all it was making my life even more sad because I almost felt trapped by abusers. This book focuses more on the positive and really works on you. It helps you understand your husband a little better and really brings light on why he is the way he is - not at all giving him excuses or making it right but helping you find the compastion and not anger toward your spouse. It works on YOU and making you happy again and finding that inner you that you once were. Once you are happy with yourself then the rest will follow suit in one way or the other. This was the book I was truely looking for!!!



5. I read this book twice and then also summarized some key points (as it was a library book). Overall, the message I took away (as the person who is walking on eggshells) is that it is only up to me to stop being angry and resentful for what my spouse did to me (emotional abuse), and it was up to me to start my own healing. Maybe that sounds like common sense, but I guess I never was fully aware that I can stop the anger and resentment I felt after I learned he knew he was being abusive to me the whole time. Maybe that was just the next emotion to come out when you are no longer putting your energies into walking on eggshells.
   
   The other big thing I took away was that you can build up your own core value, which in turn will protect you from dings/dents from other people. I don't think I ever really internalized the words/messages from my spouse, which is probably why I didn't waste many precious years with him (nor do we have children). I never thought I was those things he said to me. Yes, he still saddened and disappointed me with his behavior and views on me. But still building up your core value will only be beneficial to you and help you do what is in the best interests for yourself.
   
   What I did not get is how exactly you valuing yourself more would cause, in turn, for your spouse to treat you with more value. When I did most of the things he talked about, this actually made the abuse worse. Some of the worse months were when I truly believed I deserved to be treated better and acted so. And then handing him a book to read? HA! I guess Stosny did say at one point you'd have to leave in order to get him to fully realize. Unfortunately I left because I had had enough and couldn't take it anymore, and all the love was killed. It's a mighty drastic step to kick your partner out, and I cannot see doing this while you are still in love and wanting the relationship to work. So his theory on getting the abuser to change by treating yourself differently did not make alot of sense to me.
   
   I think I also understood better why my spouse did what he did (aside from actually CHOOSING to do that). I understood the background. I've read alot of books on abuse (Bancroft, Evans, Engel), and Stosny's explanation fit my spouse the most I felt. It also helped me understand that because he came into the marriage feelings so inadequate, that is why no amount of reassuring and boosting coming from my end would really help. I couldn't help him, only he could. But he was in denial over what he was doing until I separated from him.
   
   What I would have liked to see more real life examples, or applications of his principles. There weren't enough for my taste.
   
   I got this book shortly after I had already broken up with my spouse and asked him to leave the house. I had no desire to work things out with him ever again. The book never encouraged me to "get over my anger and give it a try." To which I am thankful (the last thing I need is more guilt). There simply isn't any love let, it's been squashed, and abuse truly is a relationship destroyer. If you have no desire to work on it, it's really hard to muster even the slightest desire. Yet you can still benefit from this book. The first few chapter will deal with you.
   
   My spouse is doing the HEALS because he started seeing a therapist after I broke up with him. I hope he can work on himself for sure, but not for "us" or the marriage.

5 comments about It's My Body (Children's Safety & Abuse Prevention) (Children's Safety & Abuse Prevention).

1. There are many plusses to this book. That it was even written and is available is a HUGE plus. It is a message that children need to hear...over and over and over...That it is their body. That they have the right to feel *good* or *not good* about what someone is doing to it...and that they can say that, LOUDLY.

   I do wish it was more visually *interesting* as it really is geared to younger childen. It could use more color to keep up the interest. Unfortunately, I tended to lose my son's interest when I was reading this... When he was young a *message book* wasn't strong enough reason to sit still, he visually needed the pictures. That said, I still did read this when from time to time. I would just pick up where I *lost* him the previous time.

   The importance of this message can't be underscored enough and I don't think that the lack of visual *punch* is enough of a reason to not buy this. On the contrary, I think you should find every way you can to teach this message to your children.




2. This is a book with a message that cannot be stressed enough. One major message that cannot be overemphasized is that abusers are NOT always strangers. Very young children are provided with tools of empowerment in this book and I like the direct way this serious topic of improper touching is addressed. While the illustrations are somewhat bland and lacking in color, that still does not detract from the book's main message.
   
   I like the examples of unwelcome nonsexual touches such as enduring hugs and kisses from somebody the child either dislikes or does not know; unpleasant variations on "acceptable" touches, such as a hug that is too firm. Good or acceptable touch is explored, such as holding someone's hand and kissing someone you like/love. A good point about doctor examinations is given - although check ups are never pleasant, it is important to discuss with children why the doctor needs to examine every part of their bodies to ensure good health with no intention to hurt. That is a special case, but it still needs to be openly discussed.
   
   Many children love to test out their new-found powers and in reading this to a group of young children and telling them to practice declaring refusal is very effective. It is also very empowering. Being loud with an abuser will undoubtedly get them to back off as predators do not want to attract attention to themselves.
   
   The drawback is that it can be somewhat awkward to explain to a relative or other trusted adult such as a neighbor why your child refuses a hug and expresses dislike for it, but honoring the child's wishes is paramount. For example, there are numerous cases where children with autism find hugs too overwhelming because of sensory stimuli. The onslaught of sensory stimuli can be the feel of the hugger's clothing; cologne/perfume smells; feeling constricted and scratchy beards can make hugs far from pleasant or welcome. Many nonverbal autistic children who flee hugs can have this behavior explained in this manner. I knew one child who ran from a relative because the relative was loud and booming and known to swoop down on children with raucous displays of affection. The child found the noisy display frightening and annoying. From that child's perspective, the hugger's behavior looked like an attack. Although hugs have gotten good press over time, scant attention has been given to "unpleasant" hugs and the rights of people who don't want them. Then again there is the child's personality. There are people who are not overly fond of hugs and find them restrictive, and intrusive.
   
   The words of David Crosby from 1969, "teach your children... give them a code which you can live by..." is a good summary of this book.
   
   This is indeed an excellent book to help people protect their children from possible abuse, sexual or otherwise. It is non-threatening and having the child/children participate by adding their voices to the work make it all the more effective.
   
   In addition to this book, I highly recommend Linda W. Girard's "My Body is Private;" Sandy Kleven's "The Right Touch: A Read Aloud to Help Prevent Child Sexual Abuse" and Cornelia Spelman's "Your Body Belongs to You" and Peter Alsop's excellent collection of songs entitled "Songs on Sex & Sexuality," most particularly the song entitled "My Body." These are all family geared and outstanding teaching tools that will certainly go far in creating a safer environment.



3. This book is a great way to start teaching your kids about appropriate and inappropriate touching. This is a tough subject, and I didn't want to scare my little ones about this, and this book does a great job of showing children how to be assertive and say "NO" when someone wants to touch the child or wants the child to touch them.



4. This simple book is all about empowering our young kids to say no to uncomfortable touch. The simple illustrations and language help kids understand it is okay to say "No!" to anyone when they don't like what's happening.
   
   It includes examples of times kids like to be touched, like giving a hug or holding a baby's hand. And some times when they might not like to be touched, such as someone holding them too tightly.
   
   They then provide a script for kids to practice saying if someone touches them in a way they don't like or asks them to touch them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable.
   
   Teaching our kids their bodies are their own and they have the right to decide when they will share their bodies is a message that will serve them in the long term and that's what this little book is all about!



5. My little one was getting to the age when I needed to start teaching the "stranger danger" etc (just over three years old), and when I saw good reviews on this book I decided to add it to my purchase. When it first arrived I was disappointed at the simplicity of the structure of the book, but once I read it I was EXTEREMLY HAPPY that I had bought it.
   This book has the perfect wording for introducing your child to self awareness and protection. No scary terms, just simple instructions on the basic concept of "MY BODY IS MINE."
   I purchased another book and also a video at the same time, but I have set those aside for perhaps another few months, when I feel that the bigger "stranger" concepts are more understandable.
   I give a HUGE thumbs up to this book for any parent, because even if you aren't ready to deal with the tough issues of abuse, this is the perfect way to help your child prevent someone from taking advantage of them.

No comments about Freeing Your Child from Negative Thinking: Powerful, Practical Strategies to Build a Lifetime of Resilience, Flexibility, and Happiness.

5 comments about Final Journeys: A Practical Guide for Bringing Care and Comfort at the End of Life.

1. In her breakthrough book, Final Gifts, hospice nurse Maggie Callanan and co-author Patricia Kelley explored the "nearing death awareness" of last days. That book continues to be for many readers a revelation of what last moments may be like. Final Journeys takes a longer view, becoming a travelers' guide for living from the diagnosis of a terminal illness through to nearing death awareness and on to the last breath.
   
   Like the author herself, Final Journeys is intensely practical and straightforward, flashed with humor and warmed by an all-pervasive empathy. A sampling of chapter titles hints of honest looks at difficult questions: "Don't Tell Mom She's Dying. It'll Kill Her!"; "Choosing Treatments--and Knowing Which Are Optional"; "`We Can't Just Let Him Starve to Death!': Deciding About Artificial Nutrition"; "Finding Power in a Powerless Situation"; "I Love You, Mom, and I Want to Help, but I'm Not Moving to Miami!"
   
   From recognizing what's fixable and what's not...understanding when not to call 911...talking to the children...dealing with the out-of-town family member who swoops in ready to take charge...to an explanation of the Medicare hospice benefit and the dying person's Bill of Rights--what Callanan does is make the unthinkable manageable.
   
   Who is this book for? For everyone who will one day die and wants to be as ready as possible. For anyone who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness, and for the family members and friends of that person who wonder what to expect and how to cope. For anyone who thinks calling hospice is equivalent to "giving up." For every public library (I have already suggested that my library order two). For hospice and palliative care volunteers.
   
   Readers who have been enthusiastic about Final Gifts--and who isn't?--will welcome this companion work, which seems bound to become a classic alongside its sister title.
   
   Nancy Evans Bush, MA
   Vice President and Chair of Publications
   International Association for Near-Death Studies, Inc.



2. Of all the stages in life, that of dying appears to be the most difficult: emotions run high, tempers flare, accusations fly, tears flow all the time, or is that just my family? Seriously, it can be such a chaotic and emotional time that I think it is very easy to lose track of what can be most important: understanding the dying person's process, and coming to terms with that process.
   
   I read Ms. Callanan's first book, Final Gifts, several years ago and it gave me great insight into how I could better relate to someone who is dying. In this book she really addresses the dying process from the side of the caregiver, and I couldn't thank her more. I read this as my own father was dying and I think I used something from every chapter to help my father pass a little more comfortably, and to help keep my family and me from going crazy with stress.
   
   I would encourage people to read this book. Even if you don't know someone who is dying, you never know when this sort of info will turn out to be needed. God bless.



3. Along with her first book, "Final Gifts", this latest work is required reading for anyone - and there are many, many of us out there - facing the issue of elder-care and the loss of a partner or loved one. There is a certain sensitivity in "Final Journeys" that is important and based on the author's years of work as a nurse in Hospice. Important book to read.



4. When dealing with end-of-life issues, many people have found Maggie Callanan's (co-authored) book, Final Gifts, to be both comforting and inspirational. She has now followed up with its "prequel," Final Journeys. As before, Callanan combines a wealth of practical experience in Hospice nursing with her own remarkable blend of compassion and humor. Anyone who faces the passing of a loved one really must read this book; anyone consciously facing their own passing will hope that Callanan - or her clone! - can attend them at the end.
   
   One of the most useful aspects is her description of symptoms of the end of life that are typical, yet which we might not recognize and respect for what they are. As the author makes clear, there is no one path for the final journey, and it behooves those nearby to recognize and respect the style of their loved one. For example, in an attempt to "be there for them" it is possible to tire the patient with too much attention, as they are attempting to rest and "wind down." Equally, it is necessary to recognize when they may need to see a certain person in order to accomplish the task of closure and resolving "unfinished business" with that person. It is necessary to listen closely to the patient without one's preconceived notions intervening. Spiritual, dietary, and companionship needs vary widely depending on the patient; it's truly not "one size fits all."
   
   Callanan defines a problem that I and perhaps many of us have experienced: the feeling that your loved ones will find it terribly sad, almost impossible, to go on with their lives without us when we die. Apparently in many cases, one important task of the caregivers is to give the patient permission to go, assuring them that we will be all right afterwards, while acknowledging the closeness of the bond between us.
   
   Callanan is so remarkable in her ability to convey her experiences and feelings through stories that you will be completely engaged throughout this book with a renewed appreciation of her humanistic approach to nursing. Her caring approach to both the patient and the family rescues some potentially explosive situations with people you come to care about through her descriptions. And if you can read Chapter 35 without shedding a few tears, you really need to have your DNA checked out to make sure you're really human!



5. An outstanding source of information and support for the elderly, their caregivers, and family members ... what to expect and how to cope physically and emotionally at every stage of dying. There's also lots of practical information about advance directives, benefits, and resources. In my aunt's final years, I benefitted from neighbor and hospice nurse Maggie Callanan's personal guidance. Now her book is available to help everyone. I highly recommend it.

5 comments about Jo Frost's Confident Baby Care: What You Need to Know for the First Year from America's Most Trusted Nanny.

1. I read a lot of baby books. I am a Postpartum Doula and like to keep up on new literature. I really found nothing new or special that would set this book apart from others. There are a lot better written books for the new mom out there.



2. I was very disappointed in this book. For one there were several typos. Also her views on breastfeeding aren't very accurate. I think she is a great nanny but she hasn't been a Mom and that is very evident in this book.



3. I'm having my first baby in two months so I've been reading quite a bit of books. Got this book and read it maybe half way there, nothing was interesting enough to keep reading it. It's not a bad book it's just not good. There are a ton of better books out there, skip this one if you can.



4. I gifted this book to my sister, Aimee' (first time mom), and not only did it arrive the next day when I only paid for regular shipping, but it made all of baby's sleeping problems go away. Aimee' can now sleep through the night EVERY night. Using techniques in this book is like taking a sleeping pill... definitely a good thing for any mom out there!



5. I liked the way this book was organized, and found the illustrations useful. Joe Frost's no-nonsense approach to child care makes her a favorite in this family, and I gave her book to my daughter who is expecting her first child in December.

5 comments about Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage.

1. Jenny Block should be recognized, especially with this work, as not only a voice for open relationships, but also as a voice for society and what it means to love, and to do so without judgement. This book is far more than a "how to" guide for getting your partner to have a threesome. No, it is a practical guide and, in essence, a diary of Jenny's own struggles and emotional roller coaster throughout her life and the struggles of being a woman in the 21st century and being in an open marriage in the process, and all the judgements and stereotypical connotations that goes along with it. I think Jenny should be applauded for her efforts in shining a light on and being an almost spokesperson for people who have alternate lifetyles. With a graceful, descriptive, and almost unwavering voice, she lets you know the intracacies and ins and outs that go into an open relationship without perverting it with explicit details. Coming from someone who is in the infancy stages of an open relationship, I can tell you that it was more than a relief to find this book. In a world filled with judgement, fear, and hatred, to have someone like Jenny putting her name on the line for so many, is a rare commodity these days. I thank Jenny for writing this book, and I will continue to reference it as my own questions about my relationship arise. Bravo Jenny.



2. In this heartfelt book, the author elaborates at length on some of the difficulties and contradictions of conventional, monogamous marriage and the solutions that an open marriage provided for her and her husband. A factor in the appeal of the book is that the author is not "far out"; she is basically the girl-next-door.
   
   Strictly monogamous marriages based on love have become widespread only in modern times. That development has placed considerable pressure on marital partners to meet the many needs of their partners throughout a lifetime - an impossibility for many. Sexual roles for young females are confusing: how are they to be both seductive and virginal or upon being wed to abruptly lose interest in men after being encouraged to play the field. These difficulties and contradictions give some understanding to the high divorce rates and widespread infidelity prevalent in our society.
   
   The author, as do most women, fell sway to the notion that there is one perfect man for her, which would then permit her to enter the state of house wifedom and motherhood - a rather sexless state to be sure. But after marriage, her interest in others did not diminish, nor did her love for her husband. An affair gone awry forced her to persuade her husband to try an open marriage. After various forays with different partners, her marriage has stabilized with her acquiring an exclusive girlfriend and her husband remaining monogamous.
   
   The author readily admits that establishing and maintaining a successful open marriage takes considerable effort. Virtual total honesty is required of both partners, as well as emotional maturity, feelings of security, and coping with inevitable jealously. She fittingly refers to her husband as an "egoless man." It certainly would have been interesting for the author to comment on whether men or women are more tolerant of open marriages. Is there any truth to "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" or taking a backseat to another woman? Actually, the author admits to feelings of jealousy early on in their arrangement. Perhaps not insignificantly, her husband is not sharing her with another man.
   
   The book does leave unaddressed any number of questions. She claims that her stronger libido is the primary basis for her need for more partners, although she has shifted more to a desire for another relationship. One wonders if this is not really more a case of marital mismatch than a basis for an open marriage. She does not really deal with the issue of actively seeking other partners, perhaps online, versus more inadvertent meetings. Being thirty-something, how will this or a similar arrangement be working at age sixty-five? Also, her young daughter seems to be largely unaware of her marital arrangements, but obviously there is some potential for problems. And there are legal issues. Common law spouses do have legal rights, but how do the courts deal with both a legal spouse and an alternative spouse? Her repeated reference to the lack of any biological basis for monogamy is unnecessary. The question is there a sociological basis for monogamy beyond the expected moralistic reaction?
   
   The book is an interesting look at alternative marriages. Married partners do meet other people where there may be considerable attraction. Can or should marriages honestly accommodate such. What we have now is rampant dishonesty.



3. This book does an excellent job of weaving Jenny Block's personal journey and an overview of the arguments for and over open marriage. Although I suspect women might find more in it than men -- it is written, after all, from the women's perspective -- I recommend it to men, who will come away with a better understanding of the possibilities.



4. Jenny does a wonderful job of articulating seemingly every facet of the journey a person makes to open relationships. I wish everyone would read this book - even those that don't want to have an open relationship can at least come to a much better understanding of those that do. But for those that are "open" to the idea, this book presents a very compelling case for a higher-level of happiness, and is therapy for those needing help over personal hurdles.



5. "Being sexually incompatible is no one's fault, but that doesn't make it any less of an issue," writes Jenny Block in this memoir of how she and her husband Christopher came to the decision to open their own marriage. This book is more than just a heartfelt memoir, but also an investigation of monogamy itself (and why it so often fails). Jenny Block also explores the dilemma of women in relationships and the schizophrenic expectations that a woman can be wild, free, and uninhibited in bed, while at the same time be that perfect demure wife and mother.
   
   For most couples, the sexual incompatibility, Jenny's bisexuality, and her previous affair coupled with the desire to have other partners openly might spell doom for the marriage, but Jenny and Christopher bravely find that the relationship and marriage, with all its good aspects, is worth preserving and look for a way to make it work without deferring to socially acceptable norms. What they find is that relationships do not have to be an all or nothing arrangement, but that they can share a deep, meaningful relationship with each other while other relationships meet other needs.
   
   Jenny Block provides advice in the final chapters on how couples might go about opening up their own relationships, and although she doesn't provide a particular model that a relationship has to take, she offers up good guidelines for how to move toward an open marriage based on her own experiences, although a more comprehensive guide to designing an open relationship would be Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. I recommend this book to anyone tired of reading about and struggling to build the perfect monogamous relationship. Even if you remain monogamous it is freeing to realize that there is no one relationship standard to aspire to.

5 comments about And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment.

1. I heard about this book in a marriage prep class at college. The information is highly valuable and pertinent to both men and women. The book teaches that sex is ordained of god. It will remove sex inhibitions and revitalize.



2. I haven't finished the book yet, but have liked what I've read so far--it has particularly changed my view of how early and how to present my children with an accurate and positive understanding of sex. O'm looking forward to reading that chapter specifically.



3. This book should be read by every married couple and couples thinking of getting married. It has a very open approach to how important a good sexual relationship is in a marriage and how by not having this how it can cause so many problems in the marriage. It gives you homework every chapter to help you achieve a oneness in a marriage that I never thought would be possible.
   
   I highly recommend this book!



4. I've been married for nine years now and I found this book to be a fabulous tool to take the drudgery out of sex. It gave me a healthier, more inspired view of it and it's been great for our marriage. I just need to keep it up!



5. This book did a great job of expressing new ideas on how to create/enhance emotional and physical relationships in marriage. The author looks at potential issues from both spouses point of view (male/female) and presents fundamental approaches to work thru any anger and resentment.
   
   It also challenged me on how to educate my children on sexuality in such a way as to not cause stigmas in their future relationships.
   
   For me, this book and the exercises within saved my marriage.

5 comments about Emotionally Healthy Twins: A New Philosophy for Parenting Two Unique Children.

1. "Raising Emotionally Healthy Twins" fills the space earlier reserved exclusively for Dr. Spock, except that
   it defines the understanding necessary to cope with the thrills, worries and trials attached to a 'two fer.'
   Dr. Friedman has written what I deem to be the ultimate guide to the healthy development of twins - one that speaks from the heart as well as the mind. This is a book which needs to be read by every twin parent.
   
   Miriam Harris, Ph.D.



2. Joan Friedman's book is very intelligent and insightful. She writes from a perspective that has not yet been explored. I found her book to be of very high quality and the writing is inquisitive and precise.
   
   This book is not only a necessary read for parents of twins, but useful for all parents. The unique philosophy discussed can be used in raising children of all ages.
   
   A must read for all serious parents!



3. Dr. Joan Friedman's book on relating to Emotionally Healthy Twins is a winner. She lays out her book in an easy to read style and an easy to reference style. The actual case studies that she shares clearly illustrate the points she is making. In addition, her stories of her twinship and her twin sons make her book even more personal and meaningful. I am now a better friend to all my twin friends. Thank you so much, Dr. Friedman.



4. In my book, "It's Twins! Parent-to-Parent Advice from Infancy Through Adolescence," I stress the importance of promoting individuality in twin children. People often view twins as a set and fail to identify and distinguish the unique characteristics of each child. Even twins themselves may see themselves as an extension of each other, rather than as their own person. While it's a wonderful thing to have this loving and supportive bond between twins, it can also be detrimental to twins if they fail to achieve their own individual potential, form relationships with others, or develop a healthy self-esteem.
   
   Joan A. Friedman, Ph.D., an identical twin and the mother of twin boys, has written an excellent book on raising two distinct individuals who just happen to be twins. In "Emotionally Healthy Twins: A New Philosophy for Parenting Two Unique Children," Dr. Friedman, a psychotherapist, breaks down her "parenting-of-twins philosophy" into 7 key concepts:
   
   1. Think of your twins as two unique individuals.
   2. Expect to have different feelings for each child.
   3. Give each child consistent "alone time" with you. They need it in order to adequately bond with you.
   4. Don't attempt to provide a "fair and equal" childhood for your twins.
   5. Don't compare twins to each other; each is on his or her unique life path.
   6. Encourage twins to pursue their own friendships and interests.
   7. Don't rely on your twins to be each other's constant companion or surrogate parent.
   
   If you're pregnant with twins, she explains how to mentally prepare for two separate babies. If you're raising twin babies, preschoolers, elementary school kids, preteens and teens, or young adults, separate chapters are devoted to meeting their emotional needs. There's even a chapter for fathers of twins, which will improve both their parenting and partnering skills. "Emotionally Healthy Twins" is an excellent book that addresses the unique challenges faced by parents of twins -- issues that aren't addressed in standard parenting books.



5. Gives good food for thought on raising twins. I think it's more for identical twin pairs and how to make them feel like individuals.

5 comments about Kissed the Girls and Made Them Cry: Why Women Lose When We Give In.

1. 
   This book is about:
   
   How to gain freedom from all the lies you've been told about your sexuality.
   
   And since author Lisa Bevere is very well able to speak for herself, I will let her:
   
   "And why, why, why would I write a book on the virtues of sexual purity when it appears nobody is really interested or listening? And to whom would I write? In answer, this book is for daughters in waiting. It is for mothers to remember. It is for every fallen one who longs to be lifted. And it is for those who've kept themselves, to know and fully realize their reward and be encouraged to remain strong.
   
   "This book is a letter from a generation of mothers and mentors who have known regret, to the daughters of this generation that they might be kept from our failures, and inherit the promises and not the pain. It is a tool for mothers who feel they can't tell their daughters no because years ago they themselves said yes.
   
   "This is not a book of do's and dont's ... it is a book of restoration. A glimpse at how God sees things, a revelation of His original intent. Some might call it an impossible fairy tale, but I believe it can be true. Rules will never set us free, just as fear and control will never keep us safe. It is truth that frees us, one that looms larger than all the lies presently surrounding us. Truth is the dawning of morning where there has been a gross and long night of darkness filled with horrible disappointment and despair ....
   
   "Why have I told you this? Because I believe God wants to tell you a bedtime story, to rock back to sleep what's been so rudely awakened. One to softly lull passions back to a place of waiting and resting in slumber, a story to restore to a dreamlike state what was awakened before its time. A place where fears are calmed and hope is restored. A haven where shame is not permitted, and everything is fresh, new, and clean as flowers after a spring rain."
   
   -- pp. 10-11
   
   This book, if you let it, will take you on a journey from shame to restoration.
   
   And that's the power of purity & a clean heart -- which only God can provide to the fallen, amen.



2. I received this book as a gift and read it out of curiosity to see what the Christian fundamentalist community had to say about sex.
   
   I'm continually astounded that contemporary people fail to comprehend the significance of the social and historical contexts in which the Old and New Testament were written. The concept of female sexual purity, while marketed as a moral injunction, is in actuality merely a way of insuring legitimacy of offspring in an era when people had no access to birth control, did not understand female fertility and the concept of once-monthly silent ovulation, and had only a rudimentary grasp of the mechanics of conception - conflated with religious law.
   The one-size-fits-all, "just say no" approach to human sexuality, while appropriate for minor children whose moral development, discernement, and life-experiences have not caught up developmentally with their fertile physiologies is a resounding non-answer to adults, who must either marry, or by default be automatically condemned to a sexless life of involuntary celibacy - or suffer "automatic damnation" should they elect to experience a healthy, adult sexuality outside of marriage.
   It is virtually impossible to cultivate a healthy realtionship to one's burgeoning sexuality, neither unduly mystifying it nor unduly profaning it, in a religious culture of arbitrary suppression, guilt, secrecy and shame based on anitquated notions of female sexuality.
   A marriage ceremony is not a permanent blanket endowment - but rather, a daily, ongoing process of re-dedication to the sacred intent of the relationship. Marriage in and of itself neither automatically "sanctifys" nor renders consensual each sexual encounter - our civil law recognizes that rape can occur even within marriage. Likewise, who may realistically deny the transcendent deep communion and love which may be present between those who are unmarried ?
   
   Didn't someone famous say "Let those who are without sin cast the first stone ?" ...
   
   As for the author, the writing is clumsy and the observations are trite and puerile. I was curious about her qualifications and was appalled: no formal theological education, no background in counselling or marital therapy - in short, the awkwardly-written exhortations and opinions of one woman. How did this get published ?



3. Reviewed By Bethany Regattieri
   
   
   This is book is absolutely fantastic. EVERYONE should read it. It teaches about being Pure and following God because we are all his children!
   
   It has truly inspired me to be a better person. I have heard Lisa Bevere's talks on "Purity's Power" and reading this book has given me the confidence to stand up for what I believe in and not let anyone make me feel less of myself. We are all BEAUTIFUL IN GOD'S EYES. I can see the change in myself and I thank you for spreading the message Lisa.
   
   I Recommend this book highly!



4. Whether you are a young girl wondering if all the hype about "saving yourself" is really worth it, or a woman who chose another path and now wants to get rid of the shadows that choice left behind, this book will help you.
   
   So many lessons give us the rules without the reasons, and Lisa compares that to a parent's response to a child's nightmare. She says, "It would do no good to shake my finger at my child and tell him the rule that there's no such thing as monsters. Instead, I sing him a song and give him something to dream about." The rule is purity, and one of God's main reasons for wanting us to be pure is so He can communicate better with us. He wants to sing us a song and give us things to dream about. Lisa states that "God wants us to be wholly free so we can be wholly His."
   
   This book also accompanies a teaching by Lisa called "Purity's Power" and power with God is the main reason for keeping pure. Women need to see just how much power we have and just how often the enemy wants to strip it from us. Often, we allow the enemy to strip our power by exposing us. Or we strip it by giving it away to someone who does not cherish it. But that's not the end of the story. My favorite thing about this book is how Lisa teaches us to keep the power we have and to regain the power we've lost.
   
   If you are a mother who is having trouble coming up with reasons to inspire your daughter to purity (or whose daughter has turned a deaf ear to all the speeches about buying cows vs. free milk), you'll find plenty of new inspiration in this book. If you are a woman with shadows in the bedroom, this book will show you that God looks at you with a love that can dispel every one of them.
   
   As a 43 year old woman with no daughters, I thought I was only reading this book to prepare for teaching a group of Missionettes at a local camp. I never realized how much healing and strength it would bring to me personally. I recommend it to every woman who believes in God. It will help you to see yourself through God's eyes, and it will help you see other women and girls you may need to teach or mentor through His eyes. And if you can get a copy of the audio or video of "Purity's Power," I would recommend that as well.



5. I came away from reading this book with mixed feelings. On the one hand I think it holds some excellent pieces of advice for young girls who are wondering about sexuality and its complications. It encourages abstinence which I wholly agree with and gives advice to women who are scarred from past sexual sin. On the other hand, I felt a sense of great sadness for Lisa Bevere and the scarred women she is writing to. I always have a hard time relating to people who have made such mistakes because, by the grace of God, I managed not to make them. I think this is a very good, if sobering book for anyone to read, not only for the excellent advice, but because it gives a glimpse into the kind of mindset women are left with when they allow themselves to fall into sexual sin. I always notice the difference between women who have relatively pure pasts as opposed to women who don't. The women who have stayed pure always seem to have retained a sense of innocence which the women who made mistakes lack. They are happier, more comfortable in their own skin and less legalistic much of the time. Women who have made mistakes often suffer from guilt, (as Lisa points out) depression, and are more inclined toward legalism. They associate things with their past sin which unscarred women would never think to. (For instance: I can watch a James Bond movie and never once feel a pang of regret OR the desire to be like the women in it.) Read this book no matter what age you are and learn a sobering lesson from its author. If you are thinking of falling into sexual sin, please, please reconsider. The consequences are all right here in this book. You don't want to live with them.

5 comments about Men, Love & Sex: The Complete User's Guide for Women.

1. Every page of every section has something focused on the sex issue, overkill. Definitely not geared toward anyone already married. Although it has some very good tidbits of info, doesn't really fulfill what it promises.



2. I was disappointed, it is not very specific in regards to men, love or sex. I was hoping for a good book like, "What Men Want" by the three professional men. This book is just way too general, although he throws in an occasional statistic. Kind of funny, but light on specific and applicable information. I read it in one sitting. Go for the other book- it's excellent!



3. I found a few revelations in this book about what men want and need. I thought I already knew that, but I didn't. You'll have to read the book to find out what they are. Personally, I believe men and women would do a lot better with each other if they didn't think so much and just did what comes naturally. Romance, love and sex aren't really all that complicated. You can make it as simple or as complicated as you want to. I'm pretty sure there is one thing men want, and that is oral sex. Women not only want oral sex, but a large majority of them need it in order to orgasm. Here's a book that will answer that need for both men and women: Was that an earthquake? The Sensuous Couple's (Flip Over) Guide to Seismic Oral Sex. It's a fun flip over book, with everything you need to know about fellatio on one side and everything you need to know about cunnilingus on the other side.



4. I bought this book for my wife in order to help her understand the mind of a man. She doesn't seem to get it after 20 years of marriage. However, I read it first just to make sure that it applied to me. I was very pleased with the book. It was "on the money" overall. There were a couple of sections that didn't apply to me, but probably once did, e.g., the section on deciphering a man's pickup line.
   
   The material was presented in a very practical way, however, it didn't get into much depth. Depth may not be necessary as long as a woman can get a general idea of the mind of men. What I mean is that this book doesn't deal with psychology. It just gives you practical insight into how guys think.
   
   I did hope that the book would cover specific topics for married men. Most of the examples and illustrations seemed to involve boyfriend/girlfriend relationships in my opinion -- though I wasn't necessarily keeping count. It just felt that way to me.
   
   If you are looking for a book to give to your wife so that she could understand men better and therefore understand you, then I highly recommend this book. I was really anxious to read it when I first got it just to see how accurate it was from my own thinking and I was pleased that it really did describe me and my thinking patterns. I guess that means that I'm a typical guy. Whoa!
   
   Now hopefully my wife will read it. The ultimate goal is to improve our relationship. Not that we have a bad marriage or anything like that. There are many issues that persist that I feel could be resolved if my wife just understood how I think so that she would hopefully be able to communicate with me more effectively. I would like to do the same for her. Again. This was a very good book.



5. But I was disappointed. I'm in my early twenties and multiracial, if that may help you in understanding where I'm coming from. Though I'm young, I've been divorced and remarried within that time, so needless to say, I really wanted to understand men, the good and the bad. With this book, (which I bought hardcover because I didn't want to wait the extra few weeks for the paperback, what a waste) all I felt I got was excuses.
   
   I'm married to a very good man and this book, doesn't apply to him at all. However, it excused every bad thing I couldn't stand about my ex. Maybe I should've looked for a book written by a psychologist, not by a men's magazine editor. The thing is though, David Zinczenko, writes an excellent weekly column that I used to read via Yahoo. This is why I picked up his book in the first place. I figured it would be entertaining and informative, instead it lacked insight and offered no real advice to women. Who did you want to read this? Because the questions and answers went something like this to me.
   
   Q. Why does my husband/boyfriend never want to go over to dinner at my parents?
   
   A. Well most men don't like situations in which they might be uncomfortable, it's your job to be understanding because this is how a man is.
   
   What? Are you serious? That's the way a man is and that's just is. Caveman ooga booga, testosterone, penis, football, blah blahblah.
   Maybe the answers in this book were acceptable to most of you, (men I'm hoping), but for someone genuinely trying to understand a man, it fell way short.
   
   I was looking for more in depth answers, maybe based on some studies, psychological maybe, doctor approved maybe? For example, something interesting I've learned within the past year is that men need sex to feel attached to a woman, therefore it's in a woman's best interest in a relationship to make sure they have a healthy sex life because it's an emotional need as well as a physical need. Helpful, informative, creates understanding, not just breed frustration.
   
   I will say one new annoyance of mine in this journey in trying to understand men. One theme in this book and I've heard elsewhere in television, is the issue of masturbation. In general, it seems as though according to the "experts" women are not allowed to have any negative feelings regarding the frequency of their men's masturbation, no matter if it makes sense or not. According to these people it seems to me, I should just let him have his time, anytime of the day, whether we've had sex recently or not, shutup and just let it happen.
   
   I thought we were done with such blatant inequality in relationships. I want to see the female counterpart of this book and if it's just as biased, then I'm just alone in the world as a person who wants true understanding between the sexes.