5 comments about Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years.

1. I was disappointed in this his book I don't believe that this is effective parenting or that it would help a child grow up to be more responsible.
   I don't believe a child should be abandoned as a form of discipline as when the author says to put them in there room and latch the door. What happen to listening to a child and having a two sided conversation with a child. This book is all about showing the child that the parent is in control. Kind of a my way or the highway form of discipline. The author suggests that "The car is leaving in ten minutes" is an enforceable statement, so if the child is not ready in 10 minutes does he leave with out his child? I think DCFS would like to hear about that. Basically, I think this form of discipline is harsh and insensitive and it is not at all the kind and gentle form of dicipline it claims to be. Nor do I think it will help a child make necessarily better decisions when they are older, but it may make them afraid to go out and explore the world.



2. Reading this book makes me more conscientious about how I handle every situation with my little one. This is an easy read that proves helpful right off the bat.



3. I really enjoyed this book. It gave me lots of different ideas on how to discipline my toddler while still delivering lots of affirmation. Some of it is fairly obvious, but it's nice to read that it still works!



4. The book I ordered came in a quick manner and was in great condition. Thankyou..



5. This book has great advice on retraining myself to be a better parent. My son is started to experiment with pushing limits at around 18 months. He's now 2 years old and after six months of me saying "uh-oh" and physically carrying him to the time-out chair. He now goes their on his own when I say "uh-oh" He still experiments but stops when I stops about 90% of the time when I ask him to. I can live with that.

5 comments about What to Expect the Toddler Years.

1. I enjoyed the previous books in the series. And this does not disappoint. Great book, you don't feel like you have to read 20 chapters to get to where your kid is at in development.



2. Unfortunately, the first section I read of this book was the section on weaning. It left a pretty bad taste in my mouth, making it rather hard to enjoy the rest of the book. And for the non-believers, The American Academy of Pediatrics has this to say about nursing beyond one year of age:
   "Increased duration of breastfeeding confers significant health and developmental benefits for the child and the mother, especially in delaying return of fertility (thereby promoting optimal intervals between births)."



3. I agree with other recent reviewers that this book is very outdated, especially as regards their recommendation on weaning at one year. Not only does the AAP say nowadays that breastfeeding should continue for at least the entire first year, but also that it should continue for as long afterwards as is mutually desired by mother and child. Moreover, the World Health Organization recommends that breastfeeding along with complementary foods continue for up to two years OR BEYOND.
   
   It is serious misinformation to state, as the authors do, that breastmilk has no nutritional value beyond the first year. It still contains many important nutrients and conveys important immunological benefits (in other words, it still functions to pass your immunities to your child and helps to prevent your child from getting sick!)
   
   They really need to do a revised edition that includes this extremely important health information and notes the immunological benefits of continued breastfeeding. It is problematic for the unrevised book to still be on the market with the series as popular as it is and misinformation that could be injurious to public health.



4. I am a first time mom and loved the first two books of the "What to expect" series, but I found this one to be a bit negative regarding the milestine reached. I was reading the first chapter and it said that they MUST reach "Milestone X" by 13.5 months or they need to be seen by the doctor and checked for abnormalities...FIRST OFF...milestones are reached at different time by each kid! If you child isn't walking by age 3 then maybe there is a problem, but if he isn't walking by 13.5 months, it's probably because he is content with crawling, or he is REALLY smart and knows that you will carry him, so why try! Some say that's a "dumb baby" I say that that is a "Crazy Smart" baby! Why walk around when someone can carry you! We need to learn from babies!



5. It is a very useful book that guides you through your baby's growth through toddler years.

5 comments about How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.

1. "Words hurt. Words destroy. Words can kill a relationship." ~ pg. 66
   
   "how to improve your marriage without talking about it" is not about a lack of communication, it is about more effective communication and an understanding of how fear and shame factor into a healthy relationship. From the minute I read the first page, this book started to make perfect sense. This book has many stories of couples in trouble and in each case the authors show how the problem is not about communication it is about disconnection.
   
   Since men feel worse when discussing problems and women feel better, how can both partners feel satisfied? The authors show ways that women can reduce the triggering of shame in men and they show men how to reduce the triggering of fear in women.
   
   To begin the discussion the authors show how marriage problems are actually a result of conditioning as a child. Boys are taught to suppress emotions while girls are rewarded for being emotional. In their discussions of how children are raised they give some good advice for parenting.
   
   There is a revealing list of ways to shame a man that helps women to realize what they are doing wrong when they do talk to a man. There is also some good advice on dealing with anger and resentment. This book encourages you to take an honest look at your life to see if you can make more time for your relationship.
   
   Instead of talking, have more sex. Could it be that easy? At the end of the book there is a secret formula to create more love in your relationship. Throughout this book there are many insights that will nurture your relationship. I tried quite a few ideas and they all worked in my own relationship.
   
   So if you are tired of talking and you want to find ways to connect that are less verbal then this book may help. In the end, you still have to have good communication skills to make a marriage work, but giving a hug is a lot better than criticizing or making a partner feel fear or shame. According to this book, talking about your problems just makes things worse. Compassion, love and a deeper understanding of your partner's vulnerabilities can make things better.
   
   ~The Rebecca Review



2. There may be a few kernels of truth to be had, but the overall effect this book has is negative, in my opinion. The vast majority of the book focuses on what is going wrong with the relationship and little attention is given to what can be done to improve the relationship, despite the title's promise. I found the idea that the shame/fear dynamic is driving all that is negative in male/female relationships to be very simplistic. While there are legitimate differences between men and women, I felt a great deal of negativity toward women in this book. I am a big believer in gender equality. Our society already handicaps men by training them to turn off their emotions. This book just gives men more permission to be out of touch. Then it stereotypes women negatively and makes several comments that imply that it would be an unfortunate thing to be a woman. There are much more worthwhile books available that will genuinely help to improve marriages by consistently reinforcing positive behaviors and thought patterns versus the negative aspects of many relationships. For example, saying that trips and dates can be detrimental to a relationship when the book is touting connection is hypocritical. Instead this could be reframed it in a positive light showing couples how to make the most of trips and dates, while making sure that it is understood that special outings are not necessary for a couple to feel connected. The day to day connections matter far more! I think this was their point, but again, it was framed in the negative. To anyone considering buying this book to improve their marriage, I would recommend that they keep shopping.



3. Unlike Steven Stosny's other book, Love Without Hurt: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One, which seemed to encourage victim mentality thinking, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It is very positive, and contains genuinely new insights that make you think. This book helps both man and woman understand the other better, and makes it possible for ordinary couples to find their way through difficult issues in their marriage in clever, pain-free ways. It explains why talking is such torture for so many husbands, and it also explains how many husbands inadvertently make their wife feel scared, etc. A really fascinating, very human book with a lot of good ideas and information that can help in the real world. See also Michele Weiner-Davis's Getting Through to the Man You Love: The No-Nonsense, No-Nagging Guide for Women.



4. This is the best insight into male-female patterns I have ever read. Dr. Love hits the nail on the head with common mistakes people make when interacting with each other in their relationships. This is a must read for any age when dealing with the opposite sex. It opened my eyes!!! Now if I could only get my husband to read it!



5. Thank goodness somebody finally made it clear what real communication between couples is. That it is not always talking, talking, talking until you are worn out. Once you learn from this book how to UNDERSTAND each other, then take it a step further, and show each other how you feel. The Sensuous Couple's (Flip Over) Guide to Seismic Oral Sex will create more communication than you ever thought possible, and you won't be doing any talking. Give both books a try, and bring you and your husband closer than ever.

5 comments about Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life.

1. Rosenberg's practice of empathy is profoundly changing my self awareness and my relationships with others, like my other favorite book about love and communication I Love You. Now What?: Falling in Love is a Mystery, Keeping It Isn't



2. Participating in a weekend workshop on Nonviolent Communication about 15 years ago, before the first book was ever published, changed my life ever since. I was so excited when I later discovered a book had been published. I have since given this book as a gift many times. In almost every case (the cases in which the person actually read the book!) the person had a very similar experience to my own. This book will help you see communication (and relationships) in a whole new way. As a therapist I have found this book to be helpful to clients with anger management difficulties and problems with conflict in relationships. It also promotes self-awareness and self-acceptance. It takes practice, but once you understand and internalize the general attitude promoted in this book, it sticks. And then it seeps into your life like a soothing balm. That's right, like a soothing balm. Try it; you'll see what I mean.



3. To me, Nonviolent Communication, the book, is a superb guide to healing, and life, helping me to be how I want to be in the world. I had a hard time with the language the first time I read it, and I know that some of it could be said more beautifully, but I've read it several times now (the second time I started with the last chapter I liked it more than the first), and given it to people. Here's why:
   
   When I read this book, I found an assertion -- all human beings, just like you, wish for their own well-being AND for others' well-being AND take joy in being able to contribute to others' well-being. This is a core value or belief for me and I suspect that if you really can't accept that premise, the book would not be so useful and healing.
   
   The book goes on to show examples of thinking that gets in the way of living this core value. Most wonderful of all, it offers tools to help us live in accordance with our values. Some of the tools are: the idea that feelings point to met or unmet needs; the list of needs; the differentiation of needs from strategies to meet needs; examples of how to find the feelings and needs in some common scenarios; the insistence on separating observations from judgments; the idea of listening for the needs underlying a person's words; the explanation of feelings as having internal origin rather than being 'caused' by others, etc.
   
   The huge steps I've taken in the past 3 years toward peace, self-acceptance, and realization of my potential seem to have come from attending workshops and classes based on this book. When I re-read Nonviolent Communication, I find bits I missed the other times.
   
   The chapter on self-empathy is particularly helpful on the problem of self-acceptance. I always had a lot of trouble with the mantras of "You deserve....", "You have a right..." Dr. Rosenberg helps me see all parts of myself, which helps me make choices that are aligned with all my values.



4. "Nonviolent communications: A Language of Life" is an update to an ancient philosophy of life, seldom practised, that empowers one to become aware of the links between language and emotion from which physical and psychological violence in human life originate. What makes Rosenberg's update worth reading is its articulation of a means of recognizing the clues in our selection and interpretation of language that reveal our real human needs. The book offers a framework for gently uncovering the "viruses of language form" in which we either lose ourselves or ignore others in unwitting ignorance. It reveals, by extensive reference to Rosenberg's own rich experience in mediation and conflict resolution around the world, how these conventions of form often obscure our true needs and those of others rather than help us discover what these needs really are so that we can cooperate to get them met.
   
   Acknowledging that the insight and empathy, whether for other or self, required to do this is rare, Rosenberg's book will nevertheless be an enlightenment for almost all of us of an extraordinarily practical kind. More than a challenge, it is also an inspiration to try out the "NVC skills of language and listening" he both practices and skillfully advocates. It only leaves us wondering where we are likely to be reasonably safe doing so.



5. This is an down to earth, practical tool for improving your ability to communicate well with other human beings, those close to you and those in situations in which you are connected in other ways. Using ways to clearly convey needs and notice the needs of others is a desperately essential requirement in a warring world. Well worth your attention and practice.

5 comments about Tickle His Pickle: Your Hands-On Guide to Penis Pleasing.

1. This is one of the most humorous and informative "how to" guides that I have read in a long time and I have read many over the years. The delivery is simplistic, easy to follow yet direct. I thoroughly enjoyed the benefits of this shared information and so did my divine partner. Thanks Again.



2. New techniques, ideas for me and my husband, and so much other useful information that I just don't have the nerve to talk about with anyone else!
   I also recommend my favorite book about sex is Sex and the Perfect Lover: Tao, Tantra, and the Kama Sutra



3. 5 minutes with this book corrected 14 years of 'not quite getting it right'! My wife finally knows hot to give me oral sex properly. For all women who want to teach their partners to perform successful and mind-blowing oral sex, make them read The Master's Guide to Cunnilingus: How to Perform Successful Oral Sex and Provide the Highest Degree of Pleasure Possible Both books will improve your sexual life quickly and effortlessly for sure.



4. This book was very interesting. It was something that I really enjoyed reading and learned from at the same time. It has many cute little references and drawings and is also informative. Since I purchased it I haved loaned it to two of my friends and they both loved it. By the way my husband really appreciated the purchase!!!



5. Definitely an entertaining book, but the 'hands-on' drawings clearly reflect a penis length of at least eight inches, which is just plain silly, as the book itself correctly states that the average length of an erect penis is between five and seven inches. We've heard enough penis myths to last a lifetime and these visuals don't exactly help matters.
   
   Basic, but fun enough to be worth a read.

5 comments about One Thousand White Women: The Journals of May Dodd.

1. One Thousand White Women is a truly remarkable book, based on an equally remarkable premise. The author's insights into women's feelings are amazing. I felt I was there, with each character, and didn't want the book to end. Have a hankie nearby...



2. This is perhaps one of the very best novels I've ever read. I ordinarily have no interest in "journals" so would have missed one of the most thrilling reads ever had it not been recommended by a friend. The journaling of this extraordinary woman demonstrates such sensitivity, courage, and acceptance that the reader is brought to the heights of joy, the depth of friendship and the courage to explore the most frightening and unknown. She loves, fears, cries, laughs, experiments, remembers and anticipates with such clarity that it is contagious to the reader. I highly recommend everyone walk with her through her words, thoughts and remembrances. I guarantee you will live the days with her, and be uplifted and encouraged, saddened and joyful, laughing and tearful as you are enticed by her courage and fearless acceptance of the unknown. It is a tale of exquisite joy and sadness, fullfillment and redemption, and silent love that is both beautiful and strange to most of us. In addition the reader is educated in the many beautiful symbols and ceremonies of Native Americans. It illuminates and teaches readers that different cultures, history and beliefs can be overcome as she weaves them in and out throughout the storyt, Tears rolled down my cheeks as I closed the book at the end of the last chapter. Strong, stong, strong!



3. Although this book grabbed my attention initially, it slowed down about half way through and I had a hard time getting through it. The characters in this book just seemed "off." There are so many things that the female characters in this book do and say that just seems so unrealistic. The women in this book embrace the Cheyenne culture, lifestyle and their new husbands so immediately without any longing for their past lives, modern civilization, or any thought to when the bride experiment will be over. The women who are kidnapped and raped in the book seem to get over the experience like a chest cold. As a woman myself, I can't imagine myself in situations like these women are and being as nonchalant about it. Because the author's depiction of women in this book is so inaccurate, it makes me wonder how realistically he portrayed the Cheyenne as well. This book has an interesting premise it just could have been so much better than it was.



4. I wasn't that impressed. I thought I would recommend it to my bookclub, but didn't. I would not recommend.



5. This book is written as a diary so it's very easy to read. The events as described are believable and keep you on the edge. I picked up this book to read and did not put it down until I finished. The historical aspect of this book is researched well and will have emotional affect on you. It's a very well thought out perspective!

5 comments about His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage.

1. I enjoy the cd so I can listen in the car. I think every spouse should want to be all they can be and in turn allow their partner to be all they can be. The cd gives examples of how we "destroy" our marriages without realizing it. Amarriage takes time, effort, love and most of all God. A must have review whenever you get the chance, least you forget exactly why you got married.



2. It teaches about the needs of both sexes and how to communicate these needs to your spouse. It also talks about the dynamics of an affair and how to recognize and avoid the warning signals. I also recommend I Love You. Now What?: Falling in Love is a Mystery, Keeping It Isn't



3. This CD will give you great incite about yourself and what you are doing to other. I recommend this book or CD to all my friends who are in boat, or see the signs of them become weak. Awesome and great read.



4. My husband and I got this book from the library and decided to buy it. It has lots of good advice and helps us understand our differences and how to make our marriage better. I would definitely recommend it.



5. This book may seem a little bit old fashioned, but it makes sense. It was very insightful for me to read before getting married. Now I know what my future husband really needs and after he reads it, he'll know my needs. I learned a lot from this book and I truly believe that it will make our marriage affair-proof!

5 comments about My Boys Can Swim!: The Official Guy's Guide to Pregnancy.

1. I was surprised by just how short this book was. I bought it for my husband and while he quite enjoyed it I think it was a bit lacking in any real information. I think it's more of a short comedy book than an actual guide to pregnancy.



2. This book had my husband chuckling all the way to the doctor's office with me! Quick and funny. Great for any new daddy who doesn't want to read the encyclopedia on what's going on with new mommy!



3. Ok maybe it's not the most serious and informative book ever written, but it kept me entertained while informing me of the basics of what to expect with my wife's pregnancy. As if anything could actually prepare me....



4. I wanted to buy my husband a good book to read since we are expecting our first child. Based on the high star rating I picked this one. Now my husband is not much of a reader but even he was taken aback when we opened the package and out came this slender, tiny book. Clocking in at 92 pages in big type and several cartoons, we correctly assumed that there really wouldn't be much there. The book was definitely funny and had us giggling a few times, but when he finished my husband was disappointed and really hadn't learned much if anything.
   
   If you want a book about the realities of pregnancy, written in a humorous and engaging way, try out Jenny McCarthy's Book Belly Laughs: The Naked Truth about Pregnancy and Childbirth. This book is aimed more at women, but has a similar feel to "My Boys Can Swim!" while managing to convey a lot more information.



5. The book was a great first read for men. it was entertaining, well written, and in general a great informational book. It did, however, lack all the medical explanations and details. The author tells you that is not the purpose of this book, so it is not misleading in anyway. I would definitely suggest it for a new dad, but I would pair it with a more detailed look at pregnancy. Enjoy!

5 comments about Ina May's Guide to Childbirth.

1. I rarely review anything, but this book inspired me. Although I had heard about it many times, I initially resisted reading it because I was worried it would be preachy and/or only applicable to people planning a birth with midwives. While I will still have a hospital birth with an OB, I learned numerous highly useful things from this book. Ina May is a very experienced and intuitive midwife, and the book is based on her experiences as well as a lot of research.
   
   First, the book emphasizes that we women are highly capable of having a natural birth, and the whole first half is stories from women who have done so (I read these selectively). The second half of the book goes into well-researched and -documented detail about how our bodies work during a natural birth, which greatly appeased my logical mind. It also covers the various inappropriate and scary procedures that may be recommended to you in the hospital. This last part was not always an enjoyable read, but helped me make a list to ask my doctor of things I didn't even know I needed to ask. In my opinion it is crucial that we and our partners have this information so we can advocate for proper care in the hospital. Just because a procedure is commonplace, doesn't mean it is beneficial or even safe for the woman. When I finished the book, I was dwelling a little on "I really hope I don't need a [fill in procedure]" so now I'm flipping through the stories again to leave a better taste in my mouth.
   
   This book is definitely geared toward people who are considering a natural childbirth or already know they want one. If right now you think you want an epidural the second you walk in the hospital, I don't know if you will want to read this book. But if you do read it, I suspect it will cause you to rethink some things. I also recommend reading "The Birth That's Right For You" (Ness, et al), which helps you decide what you may or may not want during your birthing, depending on your personality and how you operate when you're not in labor.



2. My first birthing experience was everything I didn't want: induced, heavily medicated, and then a c-section. I was determined to have a completely natural v-bac the second time around. Our doula recommended this book, and it really gave my husband and I the information we needed that we never got from our first ob. I recommend this book to any woman contemplating a natural childbirth, especially those whose doctors are not supportive of such a move.



3. I'm a first time mom and my midwife recommended this book. Unlike other pregnancy books this one is not geared towards all of the things that can go wrong. Rather its about all the things that can go right with a pregnancy. This book gives women the confidence they need to approach birth with a calm attitude. Gaskin teaches women that their bodies "are not lemons." That we don't need shiny instruments or machines that go "bing" to help us birth our babies. What we need instead is love, patience, and the confidence to bring our children into this world. This book would be great for anyone contemplating a homebirth, an intervention free birth, or for anyone who has fears about the birth process. I give it five stars.



4. Absolutely a must have. Very informative and down to earth!
   I wish I would have bought the book early on in my pregnancy! Will forward this book on to a fellow co-worker at work!



5. I loved, loved, loved this book. I read it to prepare for the natural birth of my second child (vaginal breech), and then again to prepare for the natural birth of my third. I chose to have all three in the hospital, and wanted to avoid the slippery slope to a c-section. At Virginia Hospital Center (Arlington) and Inova Fairfax Hospital, where my children were born, the c-section rates are 40%. How is this acceptable?? C-sections are major surgery.
   
   Inductions start the slippery slope. Few women can or choose to cope with pitocin-induced contractions, so an induction almost always means an epidural, which means no early laboring in the comfort of your home, no moving around, and the inability to get into positions that help the baby descend. Pitocin can also affect the unborn baby's heart rate, which causes great concern to all, OB included. So the baby either does not arrive quickly enough or goes into crisis, and the result is a c-section.
   
   Epidurals and c-sections both negatively affect the chance of baby breastfeeding well early on, which means baby is given formula in the hospital and early days post-birth - another slippery slope, this time to early weaning. With strong evidence that breastfed babies have higher IQs, fewer allergies, get sick less often and less severely, have decreased rates of SIDS, etc., this is no small matter. "The AAP Section on Breastfeeding, American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, American Academy of Family Physicians, Academy of Breastfeeding Medicine, World Health Organization, United Nations Children's Fund, and many other health organizations recommend exclusive breastfeeding for the first 6 months of life." http://aappolicy.aappublications.org/cgi/content/full/pediatrics;115/2/496 Also see http://kellymom.com/index.html for lots of great breastfeeding advice and info.
   
   This book will give you the information you need to trust your body to give birth naturally. The birth stories at the beginning will help you to see that there are a wide range of "normal" births, both in terms of duration of labor and pain. Many coping strategies are discussed, along with the overarching theme that birth is a natural process. The pain of natural birth is not like the pain of an injury or something gone wrong. It has a purpose, and this book will help you learn to surrender to the purpose, rather than fight against it.
   
   PS You probably can't hire Ina May, but you should hire a doula or at least find a friend who has given birth naturally to help coach you and support you through your labor.

5 comments about A Promise to Ourselves: A Journey Through Fatherhood and Divorce.

1. And it's not easy to speak of these matters in contemporary America, but Baldwin's line about being pulled into the American family law system is akin to being tied to a truck and then dragged down a gravel road late is excellent. As he put it, no one can hear your cries, and it is not over until they say it is. I'm sorry that Mr. Baldwin had to go through what he did but hope that this memoir/analytical work sways minds and adds to the preponderance of the evidence concerning the lack of justice men now find in our courts of law. Protecting women is fine but the juridical operationalization of this notion has resulted in the persecution of the opposite sex. People need to be aware about what's going on so I'm appreciative that Baldwin is using his fame for the worthy and noble purpose of generating awareness. The great thing about this book is that the author does more than tell his own story. He includes the narratives of several men who experienced the same horrors he did. In conclusion, I'm very grateful Mr. Baldwin has graced us with this publication.



2. haley177 is absolutely wrong, is either a female or a male who has never gone through a divorce ( at least in CA ). What Baldwin says is right on the mark. I recently read an article about a divorce attorney who changed careers, because he finally realized that he was stoking the anger between husband/wife, who until they went into full-fledged attorney mode, had come to a reasonable agreement between themselves, amicably. My ex hired her Beverly Hills attorneys, and it was most definitely the cause of our inability to forge a post-marriage relationship and has hurt our children. With attorneys, divorce is MEANT to be adversarial, that is how they make their money, and ostensibly make "gains" for their client. When I went to court, my female attorney warned me ahead of time that the judge I was going in front of was anti-father, and would grill me like I had never been grilled before. My ex was able to get a letter she wrote about my family ( whom she never got to know ) admitted into records, her pseudo-psychological review, without question by the court. My mom was already dead, so couldn't defend herself. WTF relevance did that have to anything? That kind of crap made me extremely angry, and I was told I couldn't respond in kind. I think Baldwin crossed the line with that phone call to his daughter, but I do understand the anger and rage that the non-custodial parent ( read 99% men ) feel during the divorce process. Glenn Sacks has made a career out of the disparity in the courts against fathers. It is a sick system, and only ends up draining future college funds from the kids, enraging the NCP, and most importantly, allowing the former spouses to forge a good relationship for the sake of the children. Let's make it as hard to get married as it is to get divorced. Maybe some court hearings on compatibility, what-if scenarios, are you going to have kids, etc. The critical mass of angry and more importantly, very sad fathers, is testimony that this isn't just a bunch of guys pushing blame onto someone other than themselves. I've moved twice to stay close to my kids, and the only choice I had was whether to do it or not. The court didn't care, my ex didn't care. So that is my rant. If we could all get published, I'm sure each father could and would right a book. Good on ya, Alec.



3. I wonder if Haley177 has had the children she loved and nurtured daily for years ripped from her and been unable to see them except through court ordered visits. When someone she once loved started rumors, downright lies about her. Something most people are unaware of is why would a mother do this to her children when there is no evidence of abuse of any kind.
   An alienating parent is most likely to have mental illness issues. This makes sense: What mentally or emotionally healthy parent would force their child to choose between parents? What mentally or emotionally healthy parent would continue fighting when they have "won" full control of the child? What mentally or emotionally healthy parent would so abuse their child (because poisoning a child against the other parent is truly child abuse)that the child, himself/herself would have mental health issues to work out throughout her life.
   Only a "Narcissist"
   A narcissist cannot take any responsibility or blame for their actions. It is always the other persons fault. They project all their own unpleasant traits, behaviors or feeling by attributing them in an accusing way to someone else. When their feelings don't fit the facts, they may unconsciously revise the facts to fit their feelings. This may be one reason why their perception of events is so different from yours.
   You can surely feel the pain that Alec Baldwin has endured all those years. To have someone you once loved and had a child with do what was done to Alec Baldwin is unconsciousable.
   The "Phone call" was the only tangible evidence that could be latched onto and was used in a very abusive way to the child.



4. Any man or woman who finds themselves in the same custody trap as Baldwin should have this book. He tells a very sad story about trying to be a father while the entire world seems (and in most cases is) against him, and it's the most readable and digestible treatment of the family court, custody battles, and Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) I have read. To be balanced I do think Alec skips over some important ideas but it's amazing to me that he was able to get so much of his experience on paper.
   
   It took a tremendous amount of courage to write this book. I honestly don't think many people could put themselves in Alec's position but I could and I completely understood (but do not condone in anyway) his "blow up" in the phone message he left for his daughter. It was a dumb thing to do that he will regret forever. I am positive thousands of such messages, even worse, have been recorded by mothers and fathers. But to have it radiated across the internet, on television, tabloids, magazines and so on has to be devastating. There is no question he loves his daughter unconditionally, but like any human being he has flaws, and his book shows he takes responsibility for them. However his flaws are now public in an indelible way. Think about this - thanks to search engines like the mighty Google and Amazon's Alexa - whatever you write or record on the internet will be there forever. When you are buried and your daughter is a mom her children will still find the recording. I don't think most people grasp these immense ramifications. And for that I detest the creep that started TMZ and the world of entertainment that preys on celebs. But I digress.
   
   My point is if you find yourself caught in the bowels of the family court system this book is a must read. But let me warn you - having been though all this and come out the other side - his book missing something very important. There are concepts the book glides over I believe are incredibly necessary to understand. But so did every book I have read on the topic. The missing ingredient? There is nothing about how to survive, cope and endure the misfortune of being trapped in a custody struggle, there are no insights on how to maneuver and keep your sanity though a system so incorrigible you may wish to jump off a bridge (as he contemplated) or lash out (as he unfortunately followed through on).
   
   And that is what men (or women) who find themselves in a similar situation need to learn about, know about, and be counseled in. In my entire 10 year ordeal there were only a few precious individuals that knew how to address this agony in a way that was constructive and helpful. It's such a tricky subject to give advice about because no one really has any answers.
   
   If you jump to the Afterword of "A Promise to Ourselves" you will discover a very honest self appraisal (which wont' detract from reading the book). Alec berates himself for breaking 3 of the 4 promises he made: the first was to cherish his marriage until death; the second he would never let his divorce become his daughter's problem; the third was that he would never give up on his daughter (which he did for a brief period of time). But his fourth promise he kept, which was "to write a book that would help people better understand the terrible and unnecessary pain that the divorce industry inflicts on those people who have the bad fortune to enter that world." I believe he accomplishes that promise and I respect him for having the guts to follow though.
   
   Okay now some of my criticisms, none of which significantly lower the value of the book. I think the way he presents PAS is misleading. The phase as created by Gardner means that one parent uses alienation as a tool to poison the child against the non custodial parent. In my experience and study it's not always as intentional as he makes it sound. PAS is a continuum which at one end is the deliberate and overt techniques he refers to but at the other end of the spectrum is parents who create alienation without even knowing it, who think they are doing something good for the child when in fact they are driving a wedge between the child and the co-parent. Take for example alienation by omission, where the custodial parent may be so upset that when the child brings up the co-parent they freeze up or change the subject. They may not be aware they are even doing it but this sends a clear message to the child that speaking about the co parent is not okay with mommy or daddy. Now we can play the blame game and say all parents should be self aware but in the toxic battle of custody self awareness is usually tossed out the window and replaced by paranoia.
   
   Alec tries very hard to get the courts to see there was PAS at work with his daughter and yet most courts will not let the concept into their courtrooms. So I don't think harboring on it is going to really help men or women that much. PAS I think falls into the same category as lie detectors - you can't use it as evidence because it's not an exact science. Lie detector tests are inadmissible in most family courts because some people are skilled enough to fake there way thought them (although I have never seen any scientific evidence of this). PAS is not accepted by the APA as a "syndrome" perhaps because it's not something that can be as clearly demarked and classified as disorders such as Agoraphobia, Posttraumatic Stress Syndrome, Bulimia, Cocaine Dependence, etc. I guess I would rather Mr. Baldwin devoted more pages to neutralizing and defeating signs of PAS then complaining so often that he was a victim of it (and there is no doubt he was).
   
   My other complaint is that he really rakes Kim across the coals, too much I think. There are times in the book when he seems to be presenting some of her virtues but the tone was to paint her as bordering on evil. I understand why he feels that way; I have had very similar thoughts about my child's mother, but now being at the other side of our protracted battle I don't feel it was all because of her we ended up as we did. Alec touches on what I believe is the real truth but he does not overtly spell it out, and that is both he and Kim were caught in a war not between them but between armies. The real battle was a war between armies of experts, attorneys, family therapists, child protective social workers, special masters, and a toxic court system which really encourages and condones the war rather than trying to neutralize it. He is absolutely correct that the system is a mess. But the armies were caught up as much in the battle as Alec was and so was Kim. He talks about how she would bring in a collection of professionals to the court room while he had only one attorney, and how this shows her weakness. What it really shows is how caught up she was, how fearful and trapped and scared she was. From my viewpoint Kim, Alec and Ireland are victims of a system that has failed miserably. And to be fair he does focus much of his book on this topic, I just think I would have edited down some of his vitriol.
   
   Another curious aspect of the book is how it ends. It felt like an Editor at work here or maybe his coauthor (which by the way there is no acknowledgments about which was kind of confusing). The book has two endings. One is a list of 10 pieces of advice for people who find themselves in divorce or custody battle. I am not very impressed with the list; in fact some of it is just downright wrong. Like he says always get a prenup. I'm sorry but almost every state refuses to accept them. It's the state that has the final say on child custody and money, so it's a waste of time, UNLESS you are sure your partner is the kind of person that will not turn a break up into a battle (which is very hard to know ahead). But there are gems like find yourself a good family therapist just for you alone, for support. I would add that you need to make sure this person is really good and experienced. I found a wonderful woman to help me that was such a blessing, plus she was a brilliant, perceptive, intuitive and a published author.
   
   The real curiosity to me was Alec's interview of Jeannie Suk, a law professor at Harvard Law School. She has published an article which you can buy in digital format here on Amazon: Criminal law comes home. (Criminal law applied to domestic violence): An article from: Yale Law Journal. The gist of the interview is about sexual subordination of woman and how the feminist movement has been able to move the law to protect woman from abuse. At the same time these changes in the law have removed the discretion that law enforcement officers once had so that it's extremely easy for a woman to claim abuse if a man throws an alarm clock on the ground in anger. I am not debating this issue I just could not figure out why it was included in the book. Perhaps it was to point out that the law now puts woman's interests ahead of men's and the disadvantages of that in a court battle?
   
   Before this review turns into my own book let me leave this parting question for Alec. It's one I ask myself often. Knowing what he knows now, seeing clear enough the impact of this custody battle on himself and his daughter, then given a chance to play it all over what would he do differently? I am sure he will never answer that question but I think the kernel of the answer is on page 171. If you want to know what's on that page read the book.
   
   PS The phase Parental Alienation Syndrome has been replaced by simply Child Alienation.



5. I couldn't put the book down! It's well written and reads like a novel page turner, filled with suspense, intensity of emotions, and drama.
   
   Having just completed a divorce myself as a mother of two where I kept not only the welfare of my girls' future emotional and psychological well-being primary, I also considered with utmost care the feelings of their father that I could no longer stay married to. So this meant that we took our time with mediation, we personally served our papers to one another, and shared in 50/50 joint custody. We agreed to all this and more not only for our children but for our own individual futures. This has kept our family emotionally whole and now a year later are thriving as a new kind of family! Unfortunately, as just one example in the book, this was not the same for Kim Basinger who had Alec Baldwin served with their Separation Papers, which is more a punch to the gut than most women (and men when reversed) realize. How can anyone respond without retaliation, swords drawn and ready for battle? And then, of course, how can one not eventually lose control of one's anger when legal minefields release destruction and anguish at every step along the way. Sure Alec was wrong to hurl such words and accusations at his daughter on the phone, but I can see the path to that call more clearly now. So sad. Oh yes, and BTW, "leaking" that call to the public had to have been horribly painful for their daughter--and all for what? To show Alec as a bad man? Surely there was no consideration whatsoever for the child!
   
   And then the climax of using and abusing the legal system to inflict the parental alienation tactics I think is reprehensible. Unless the target parent is abusive in some way or involved in drugs or crime, I can't think of any justifiable reason to inflict such pain on both the parent and child! To me then what this book represents is more than a legal system where fathers' rights take back seat, and quite obviously that's painfully true, it represents more a world where many mothers (and fathers too) fail to fully comprehend the possible permanent damage they do to their children through their intentional or unintentional Parental Alienation (Syndrome). Sure it's painful and frightening facing a future alone, but our children are NOT our emotional keepers and it's up to us to teach them resilience, strength, and compassion, not manipulation and hate. In the meantime though, I advocate changes to our legal system where children aren't abused in this way!
   
   And so I wonder why we've become so self-absorbed or damaged to not see the obvious manipulations of the divorce legal system that helps to escalate these types of damaging scenarios. I could see it when I visited my first referred barracuda divorce attorney. It was then and there that I decided that a loving divorce was the only ethical and moral journey for all of us. Thank God!
   
   And so we did it and not only is it possible (through hard work), it should be a new norm. I wish Alec and Kim could have enjoyed a loving divorce by doing what became some of our strict tenets which were all based upon the foundations of compassion and empathy: 1) Shun at all cost the temptation to litigate, unless there's no other option, through mediation! 2) Share equal custody with your ex-spouse, keeping ALL parent-child relationships intact, exceptions noted above. 3)And speak kindly of and civilly toward your ex-spouse to your children and others (even if you feel completely the opposite). Otherwise, we're all destined to break not only our promises to ourselves but everyone else in our lives and society. Our country may be falling apart financially because of greed, but let us at least cling to some sort of societal decency where our families aren't destined to a similar demise.