2 comments about Love Without Hurt: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One.

1. This is an excellent book, but is the paperback version of You Don't Have to Take it Anymore. See reviews there.



2. Any who are in an abusing, hurtful relationship can end the pain and rebuild a loving environment with Dr. Steven Stosny's explanation of different indicators of relationship abuse, how to take action to change the relationship, and how to use his CompassionPower program for self-healing techniques for both individual recovery and changing a willing partner. Plenty of books have covered the basics of abuse patterns and advocated 'getting out': LOVE WITHOUT HURT: TURN YOUR RESENTFUL, ANGRY OR EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP INTO A COMPASSIONATE, LOVING ONE takes a different approach and is a 'must' for any general-interest library interested in self-help health and mental health books.

5 comments about Women on Top.

1. Nancy Friday has earned her title as a groundbreaking writer/researcher on topics surrounding Womens' Sexuality, fantasy etc. So much study has been done by so many over the years about the changes in Society as it has evolved, `liberation', empowerment, contraception etc. Some have studied sexual behaviours and patterns, how the changes manifest. With this book Nancy Friday looks at one of the very foundations of the changes, one of the proofs of the crystallization and permanence of the changes, by studying changes to the very core motivations for the changes-Womens' sexual fantasies. Every reality nearly inevitably has to begin as someone's fantasy so the shifting fantasy world suggests the changes that are going to be part of the physical world.
   
   The start of the book is an overview of the role of fantasy, how the rest of the book was collected and collated and the reasons for producing the book.
   
   The rest of the book is detailed Womens' Sexual fantasies, each presented as they were when Ms Friday canvassed her demographic for volunteers.
   
   This is an enlightening read, at times brutally candid and explicit (under the protection of anonymity). There is an understanding of some Women's need to be subjugated and dominated (rape fantasies etc.) to other Women's need to subjugate and dominate (equally explicit and violent).
   
   In many ways this book provides an insight into some of the deepest and most intimate part of the subjects' psyches. No matter how stable, secure and loving a Woman's life and world is, there is often a wild snarling crazed animal part of them that captures the power and passion of female sexuality. This is the Archetype that could rip it's own Mother apart for the explosive release of uninhibited orgasmic release. This primal energy is sometimes reflected in the fantasies detailed in this book, especially nowadays when Women have licence to feel everything which is theirs to feel and so can feel free to explore those fantasies without guilt. Women can now have and know what, in earlier times was dictated out of Womens' lives except for those willing to step outside `norm' into such things as Witchcraft, Wicca, etc., where the artificial constraints of Society's norms did not apply.
   
   As a bloke, these changes could scare the crap out of me but I figure I'd rather live in the shadow of that sort of healthy power and the force of female lust than to live in a culture of emotional safety and mediocrity created by slaying the Goddess.
   Cheers
   Lloyd



2. I had already read some of Nancy Fridays other books including "Men in Love" which discusses men's sexual fantazies so I wanted to hear what she had to say about the ladies too. This is a very interesting and informative read, and might give the ladies some hints to spice up there sex lives too. I would recommed this book and Nancy Friday is a very well informed sex therapist.



3. This wonderful book came along to say that women do have fantasies. And some of them can be more intricate than you might think.
   
   If you believe the saying that says, "You won't be good to me off your feet, if you're not good to me on your feet," you will probably be open to reading this book.
   
   It's a great book for both genders. For men because the pressure can be taken off of them. For women, to say, "Express yourself!!"



4. I looked forward to this book and was disappointed. As someone stated in another review, it's the same fantasies over and over again. Many of them are written using the same slang and terminology to reference certain parts of the anatomy. Considering the English language has a dozen words or different ways to describe the female anatomy it seemed more than a bit odd that most of the women who submitted fantasies would all choose to use the same 2 or 3 words. About 1/4 of the way into the book it started to seem like the author wrote a lot of the fantasies herself since she also uses the same slang lingo in her chapter intros and the fantasies are all so similar. The book also lacks variety but if you're interested in reading the mostly tame fantasies of totally inexperienced or totally repressed women, this might be a good read.



5. Not only are the fantasies stated, they are introduced and commented. Beyond the erotic power of some of the tales, this book opens a window on the world of women's psyche. Nancy Friday does with fantasies what psychoanalysis does with dreams. She disects them and makes them meaningful.
   This book inspired me in my real life as well as in my writings. A most instructive and arousing reading.

5 comments about Do What You Love, The Money Will Follow: Discovering Your Right Livelihood.

1. I gave this book two stars not because of the writing, but because the title is misleading. If you're looking for courage to quit your high-paying but soulless job for more soulful work--and maintain your standard of living--this book won't deliver.
   
   Perhaps a better title would be DO WHAT YOU LOVE, THE MONEY WON'T MATTER. That would set a reader's expectations more in line with the book's message. The cases in the book were not monetarily successful. However, they show that if you follow your heart, the money won't matter. The things that money can buy when working a soulless career, such as vacations, clothes, cars, and so on lose their appeal as a reward, because what you DO is the reward. You no longer need what money can buy because you have what money can't buy: love.



2. This book harps on a persons' upbringing and if there was enough encouragement, enthusiam and confidence given as a child... The author feels based on the manner in which the person was raised is relevant to their success...I kept reading ( painfully ) because I was sure somewhere there would be something relevant to the title. Reading this book was like a therapy session , that I did not request..



3. I really enjoy this book and find its premise to be true. Many people settle into jobs they dislike and even hate. Doing what you love brings joys to all areas of your life. Sometimes we're afraid to make the leap into something that we love for monetary reasons, but the payoff is worth it.



4. This is an inspiring book for those privileged enough to be able to follow its philosophy. I imagine that for the person who does not need to be concerned with keeping a roof over their head and food on their table for the foreseeable future, this book could be a great help in setting a direction. If you don't need the money NOW, and if you can do what you love for long enough, then maybe money will follow .... but only if what you love to do happens to be something someone else is willing to pay for.



5. I started Ms. Sinetar's book feeling like one of the converted. I was looking for a way to talk to my students about following their hearts and being true to themselves when identifying the right college or vocational school or entering the workforce. DO WHAT YOU LOVE...offered meaningful insights that sparked a changed in the way I look at my own job, how I measure personal success, personal relationships, and my definition of self. It brought a whole new meaning to the term self-esteem. I've purchased a second copy for my students and highly recommend this book.

5 comments about Ten Stupid Things Couples Do to Mess Up Their Relationships.

1. I was in a Relational Development class in college and we had to read this book for an assignment, I found it quite humerous and also disturbing. Some of the stories that are told do touch your heart and then you will have some stories that will make you want to jump out of your skin and yell at disturbed spouse.
   Over all Dr. Schlessigner 10 Stupid Things People Do To Mess Up Their Relationships Dr. Laura touches on key problems that she sees as being crucial reasons why couples do not usually last. Specifically she notes secrets, egotism, pettiness, power, priorities, happiness, excuses, liaisons, mismatches, and breakups. Her fans call and write her and tell her their problems touching on these stories and she gives her opinion on the situations and defends her points with their stories.
   10 Stupid Things, is not based on fact or studies. It is based on one woman's opinion. Dr. Linda simply tells her opinion from either her own experiences or other people's similar experiences. She helps people who are choosing to write to her therefore, they already like her ways of thinking and her advice; which is why she is helpful to them.
   
   I did like the book overall and did find it an easy read, you will enjoy also and even if you have a million and one things to do, this book will move by swiftly.



2. "What women don't allow, men can't and won't do." ~ pg. 8
   
   Whether you are dating or married, Dr. Laura has sage advice for couples who are destroying their relationships with stupid secrets, egotism, pettiness, power, priorities, happiness, excuses, liaisons and breakups. She takes each topic and weaves her wisdom through listener responses.
   
   "What, if any, information from your past are you obligated to reveal during dating, engagement and marriage." ~ pg. 13
   
   The first chapter is the most revealing and some of the advice is surprising yet wise. Dr. Laura differentiates between privacy and secrecy. The two topics she focuses on are sexuality and finances.
   
   Most of the issues in this book stems from people acting badly and realizing the error of their ways. Some of her listeners root out selfishness and replace it with giving. Through the listener responses you can find creative ways for turning around stressful situations. At times all people are really looking for is some kindness.
   
   ~The Rebecca Review



3. It seems that Dr. Laura and Dr. Phil (both from the Oprah end of the rightwing religious political spectrum), have together colonized the known universe of "pop psychology," or what their fellow conservative ditto heads refer to as "psycho-babble."
   
   Like her other books in this series, this one too skims the surface and snags the low hanging fruit for those poor souls who have no idea who they are, or why they are in a relationship in the first place? Neither Drs Phil nor Laura seems to care much about the preparatory work of building sound personhood based on introspection and personal awareness, as a necessary foundation for using these ten prescriptions, which in any case must precede them if there is any chance of them being deployed successfully. The idea that there are shortcuts to these very serious issues is just another cheap marketing device, and both Phil and Laura diminish the title doctor when they traffic in this kind of "cure in a bottle misery." It is "snake oil" by another name. But hey, at least it allows them to laugh all the way to the bank with their consciences intact.
   
   This book and others of this genre are the equivalent of the much-revered American tradition of giving canned foods to the poor at Thanksgiving. It is a gift to the giver, not to the troubled: For anyone who has ever been poor knows that the last thing you want to do is give poor people handouts, least of all canned foods. This only makes them feel worse about their condition. What they lack most, of course is not food, but dignity and connectedness.
   
   In the same way, what troubled couples usually lack is "a relationship with at least one whole independent or aware adult" in them. Feeding them the equivalent of psychological canned goods is a cosmetic fix that makes Drs Phil and Laura feel that they have done something good for society, but this "psychological cotton candy" cannot possibly fix a troubled relationship, the source of which is that it is inhabited by "partial" rather than "whole" adult human beings.
   
   Without the more robust understanding to be found in something minimally on the order of Dr Viscott's "The Language of Feelings," these 10 prescriptions (as well as those in Dr. Phil's "Relationship Rescue") are like plugging the dike with ones little finger.
   
   But what the heck, something is always better than nothing, right?
   
   For something, both books get Two Stars.



4. If you want to improve your relationship, buy a book from someone who is qualified to talk about the subject. (She isn't qualified ... don't believe me? do a quick internet search.)



5. This is an awesome audio book! I really enjoyed listening to it and have loan it out to my neices and nephews that are in relationships or married!

5 comments about The Highly Sensitive Person in Love: Understanding and Managing Relationships When the World Overwhelms You.

1. In reading Aron's books, I feel fully comprehended, which has been a rarity in this life. Her research let me know there are others like me, and I felt deeply heartened by the contents of this book. I love, too, that she writes from a place she knows from the inside out, and that she and her husband have collaborated over the years on research about this very important aspect of being human. I have purchased this book many times for friends.



2. If you're looking for actual pertinent, insightful and useful information you will be disappointed (especially if you are an introspective, educated person with any degree of insight into your own functioning and disposition).



3. The chemicals associated with what scientists call falling in love can really overwhelm the nervous system of an HSP. A particular nerve is activated in the state of attraction that can, even in non-HSPs, create a hypomania state. In the HSP this is like searing the brain with a toxic mixture of hyper-stimulants through the entire organ. A state that is wonderful for most can be the most ungrounding experience if not fraught with fear and dread. This is one book to guide an HSP into staying peaceful in the realm of love.



4. I happened to come across this book at the library; I had not read her other works or heard about them. This is one of the most helpful self-help books I've read. I'm not familiar with the research so I have to trust that the author is indeed presenting good information; however, for my situation at least, what she says about HSP makes perfect sense. I understand myself better now and I think her work (because I'm planning on reading her other books) will really help me live the way I want to. Her information is both very interesting theories and practical tips; she lost me a little when she started talking about spirituality but that's because I wasn't as interested in that stuff. Great book!



5. This book has validated everything I always knew about myself. It has opened up doors which had been closed along time ago. I see I will have some work to do first before I can fully embrace myself as an HSP and most of all that it is wonderful and great to be an HSP and to be ok showing it. haha can you see my HSP trait.I am looking forward to using the workbook. I have just started this journey, I hope other HSP's start their journey also. Possibly someday we will have a powerful and meaningful place in society. Hey maybe the world would become a healthy, safe and happy place to just be.........S. Weaver

5 comments about Anne Hooper's Kama Sutra.

1. Anne Hooper's Kama Sutra
   This book seems like a fabulous thing, but when you begin reading through it seems that the positions are unrealistic and are not explained that well. It was interesting, and the models are beautiful, but I didn't find it was something my partner and I could use practically.



2. The book is informative, easy to read and tastefully illustrated. I was surprised by how much the Kama Sutra positions weren't as crazy as I'd imagined.



3. This book was just what I was looking for. It gives lots of pictures but they are very tasteful and there were paragraph descriptions with each of them. It talks about kissing, massaging and then various different positions. It also includes oral and I was looking for some new ideas and it was perfect for that.



4. This book answered some questions I had and helped my husband and I. The details inside the book will not leave you wondering.



5. Tastefully illustrated using live models. Not pornographic. The classic positions from the Kama Sutra are made modern & realistic in this edition. Fun, sexy reading for a loving couple on a cozy Saturday night. If you want porn, go somewhere else. If you want to see tasteful human illustrations and read detailed explanations of various positions, this book is for you.

5 comments about Dr. Z on Scoring: How to Pick Up, Seduce and Hook Up with Hot Women.

1. There are some really great tips on how to improve yourself and your image with the ladies.



2. If your looking for a book that will allow you to truly how to approach, entertain and please women buy this book. It is filled with a lot of tips and pointers that men don't know. I think men go for the usual, straight forward approach only to crash and burn. Dr. Z does a great job to approach all aspects of dating - from the conversation starter to pleasing her later ;). Don't look at this purchase as a question to your inabilities with women - It is way more than that and the information is priceless!



3. Most of the book seems to be a rehash of the pick-up books that recommend you just be yourself and not act creepy. This, of course, is one of the two major types of "how to pick up women" books. The other is the "outsmart 'em", "use them before they use you" contemptuous approach.
   
   And telling men not to twitch, have bad breath or dirty clothing, etc., shouldn't be necessary. Really, that's just padding the book. If the answer is "It's not padding. You'd be surprised how many men don't follow these suggestions", I still think that someone who needs to be told this isn't going to be helped by the book. I can't imagine anyone saying, "I have to bathe before I go out to a bar? And wear clean clothes, too? Huh! I never knew that! Thank you, Dr. Z!"
   
   Then there are the obvious observations, such as "Hot women tend to be more promiscuous than other women." I don't know if I agree with that, but, assuming it's correct, if someone is reading this book, it's because he wants to know HOW to approach women, not which ones to approach. It's only half an answer to say, "The hot women are the most likely to sleep with a man." The answer to that is, "And the hot women only want the hot men. So what am I supposed to do?"
   
   What isn't a rehash, padding or obvious is just plain bad advice - and it isn't even consistent with the "just be yourself and don't act creepy, and women will like you" approach.
   
   For example, she suggests you hang around women's shoe stores or clothing stores (that's creepy, isn't it? Unless you're going to use the transparent, "It's for my cousin/niece/sister" dodge).
   
   She also recommends ploys such as waiting until you see an attractive woman check the price tag on a dress and, with a sad look on her face, put it back on the rack. Then you go over to her and buy her the dress! Now, that's setting a bad precedent. Not to mention that you might have to buy a lot of expensive dresses before you get a date out of it!



4. This is an excellent, excellent book filled with funny and informative ways for "average" guys to date hot chicks...coming from a Playmate herself - Victoria Zdrok.
   
   An easy and quick read, you'll get addicted from the very first page.
   
   For the price, I highly recommend you pick up this book!
   
   For me personally, it reaffirmed a lot of points and theories. Maybe that's why I decided to get into glamour photography! LOL!
   
   Cheers, Simon!
   www.PinupAllStars.com



5. I bought this book because I heard Dr. Z on The Opie and Anthony Show on XM radio and thought she was very cool. In all honesty, I do quite well with women as it is, but it's always interesting to delve into the mind of an intelligent, sexy woman such as her and get her point of view on dating and relationships.
   
   This book is highly recommended. Don't waste your time with The Game, my friends, that's a gimmicky, lame book. This book isn't just all about helping you "get laid"...it's an inside look into the mind of a quality, attractive woman who you would not only like to have sex with, but to date long-term. It helps with your confidence and articulates well what quality women look for in a man. And not in a shallow way, either.
   
   The paperback is cheap enough and it's well-worth the money.

5 comments about Should I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage.

1. Excellent book and innovative concept. Very good case studies; one or two that will likely apply to the reader's own situation. The title misleads just a bit in that I thought the book was going to help me then-and-there as to whether I should stay or go. It deals more with the task of separating and the rules that go along with it, so that you CAN decide whether to stay or go. I found that this book was excellent as a second-read, behind "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay." Would absolutely recommend both books for that delicate situation of being in a shaky, unresolved marriage.



2. I really liked the book. It was easy to read and had a lot of useful information. I liked the different relationship examples. Although not one of them were exactly us...there were a few similarities in many of the relationships we could relate to. We did use the contract format, made our own revisions and agreements (although we decided we didn't need a formal signed agreement, we at least covered the points we needed and included a small blurb about the finances as well).
   A great way to help make decisions in a rational way!



3. In the heat of a break up, this book gives practical advice on how to discern what is the best route to take. It was recommended on a chat sight for divorcing couples and I would highly recommend it to people who are still within a disfunctional relationship.



4. Thid wonderful book helps one recognize and intergrate emotional, intellectual and financial consideraions and to rationally consider options.



5. I found this book to be an excellent resource for dealing with my own personal seperation. It gives excellent advice that has already help settle down all the turbulent emotions and is allowing for calmer minds on both sides. Very well written, easy to follow and very real world advice.

3 comments about Happiness for Two: 75 Secrets for Finding More Joy Together.

1. Four and a half INTRIGUING Stars!! A very interesting, approachable self-help book with lots of solid advice! Author/lecturer/interior designer/philosopher Alexandra Stoddard's latest book, "Happiness for Two", 'ups the ante' from her last book, "You Are Your Choices" which dealt with advice on individual satisfaction in living "the good life". The book on "Happiness for Two" begins with a 3 sentence dedication to "Peter" that is so heartfelt, specific, and sincere that couples who are not able to currently write such a salutation to their own lover may want to dive into this book headfirst to find out what they've been missing. And as I stated in the review of her previous book, we men benefit from hearing the thoughts of a keen-thinking woman, happily-married for over 34 years, who has already dealt with complex interpersonal relations in her own life. BTW, Peter returns the compliments with his own note, which is entirely in keeping with Ms Stoddard's approach that couples should return compliments.
   
   Ms Stoddard uses short topical essays, 75 of them this time. Will it work for everyone? Much of it should. She maintains "Happiness for two requires two sensitive, loving souls who understand their own potential for wholeness individually". That alone may exclude some people, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't give this book & counseling & their religion & whatever else, a chance to make them better as a couple. A wide range of topics are covered in the book. From "Treat Each Day As Though It Could Be Your Last" (seems so simple but do we do it?) to "Go On Vacations Alone, Together" (great idea!) to "Assume More Responsibility at Home" (can Alexandra really spackle and tile? I'm impressed!) to "....Spirituality" (somewhat of a disappointment) to "Kindness and Diplomacy...." (spot on) and finally "Your Happiness Is Up To You" (a great wrap-up of ideas with a startling concept about happiness based on Alexandra's research). Then there are Chapters 22, 32, 44, and 52 which are 'biggies' that I enthusiastically agree with, but I'll let the reader discover them on their own. I don't agree with everything in the book, but most of the time she is on target. Read it and then pass this book on to that special person in your life and remember YMMV (your mileage may vary). This book is highly informative and may generate some controversy. Highly Recommended. "Love & Live Happy", indeed. Four and a half INSPIRING Stars! (This review is based on a secure eBook digital download)



2. This wasn't as insightful as many of the other books by Alexandra Stoddard. It was an easy read, and I did find it enjoyable. I expected a little more depth. All around it wasn't a bad way to spend a rainy afternoon. I'm ready for another decorating book from her.



3. My spouse and I bought this book at one of our favorite boutique style stores. We have an amazing relationship already, but we know there are always ways to make it even better, especially when we easily get caught up in the daily grind of work and raising our three kids. After we purchased it we decided to read a chapter or two each night to one another while curled up in bed.
   
   The book is insightful and inspiring. Some chapters simply confirm what we already know and do, while others have helped us to express our thoughts to one another better. In it we can see our own strengths and weaknesses and how even the simpliest thing can have a profound effect on our relationship. It's already inspired us to do things to boost our happiness both individually and as a couple. Alone, together as Alexandra would say.
   
   For those with children still at home, it's good to keep in perspective that the book is written by a woman with children who are already grown so the author's suggestions may seem a bit 'off' at times even if we still agree with what she has to say in general.
   
   Overall, we enjoy the book, feel inspired, and it's an easy read.

5 comments about On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone.

1. 
   The book is excellent.
   
   When I ordered it I did not realize it was a paper back book. Had I known I would not have spent the money I did. My income is very limited and I felt the price was to high. In retrospect I am glad I purchased the book - in the future I wish I knew if the books were hard covered or paperback.
   
   Thanks
   Ruth Boshart



2. One of the most profoundly true statements in this book is that "aloneness is an opportunity, a state brimming with potentiality..." I wish this inspirational book had been available when I was going through my alone times; it would have provided the extra inspiration and strength I needed. So glad it's available now. I may need it in the future. In the meantime, I'll be recommending it to my women clients and quoting from it in my next book. Florence Falk reminds us that each woman alone is a work of art in the making. Pamela D. Blair, author The Next Fifty Years: A Guide for Women at Mid-Life And Beyond



3. If only our culture had an extra rite of passage: one that required all young people, both men and women, to live on their own for at least six months before entering into any kind of emotional and intimate relationship. What benefits we would reap! Many of us move right from our parents' home or from a college dorm room into a live-in arrangement or a marriage. As a result, we never have a chance to learn how to be responsible for ourselves or even to figure out who we are as individuals. It's no wonder we get derailed when those relationships invariably end and we're left ALONE. Then we *have* to learn how to survive, and fast.
   
   "On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone" addresses the aftermath. Women, amazingly enough, are still the most vulnerable individuals and as a group have the least amount of experience living alone. It's not that they have to be taught how to behave, as much as they have to be reassured that it's OK to be on their own in the first place. Shame and fear are among the major issues they may have to work to overcome. Those who embrace solitude as a time for reflection, creativity, and regrouping are the ones who thrive and succeed.
   
   Florence Falk studies all of the aspects of such situations, beginning with the societal pressure to be beautiful, skinny, and part of a couple; then adding to those expectations the overriding childhood influences of parents and peers, as well as the lure of addictive habits to escape from them all. This is, therefore, a much fuller treatment than the title indicates. It's really a psychological scrutiny of the general lifestyle of the contemporary American woman.
   
   While the text offers myriad examples from the author's life and those of her clients, friends, and acquaintances, its main target audience might be too stressed or depressed to be receptive to the book's message. Just knowing that others have gone the same way and have lived to tell the tale may not provide enough validation to anyone currently wallowing in an abyss that's filled to the brim with grief. "On My Own" is not a succinct or a step-by-step how-to-survive manual. Instead, its conversational style offers positive options and possibilities based upon real-life experience. It presumes patience, both in reading the book and in going through the recuperative process. The author calls for personal introspection: for first discovering your authentic self and the reasons behind your emotions and your actions, before you consider entering into interactions with other people. Of course, this is a prompting that any good psychotherapist would recommend.
   
   I believe "On My Own" would be best read (a) as preparation before "stepping out," or making a choice that would result in resuming singlehood, (b) or as a confirmation well after the fact, when the emotional wounds have healed a bit and enough time has passed that the process can be viewed objectively. If this book had been around at the time of my divorce in 1991, for example, I wouldn't have been able to read it then. There would have been no need: I was *living* it. But being comfortable in being "a woman alone," years later, I find many familiar moments in the text, including a few that could be considered Ah-hah! revelations.
   
   To me, it all comes down to ignoring society (to a certain extent), carving your own path, and heeding the simple advice that a divorced friend gave me when she learned my own marriage was ending, way back when: "Do something nice for yourself every day." That's the first step. Someday you'll be able to read "On My Own" and understand what really happened. You'll give yourself permission to do what you need to do to be true to your authentic self. After all, it takes both time and practice for a mere Condition to become an Art.



4. More than likely, at some point in our lives, we are all going to find ourselves alone. Relationships fall apart. Children leave home. Our spouse passes. It's sad and rather scary when we enter a new phase of our life but what's really awful is the terror we put ourselves though.
   
   It's the new millennium. Women have secured the right to vote and work alongside men in most any job that suits their fancy. Yet, somehow we still see a woman without a man (and by association, children) in a negative light. No one even considers that this woman might not need (or want) a companion. That she might be complete by herself. That she might even be happy and fulfilled. Instead, the thought is that there must be something wrong with this woman if she can't catch a man. Moreover, we are so terrified about such judgments that we will do almost anything to have a man, even if he's the wrong man.
   
   On My Own relates stories of healing. Ordinary women who came to grips with being alone. People who learned to love themselves and enjoy their own company. The willingness to open to the possibilities that life has to offer.



5. By subtitling her book The Art of Being A Woman Alone, Florence Falk conveys the idea that being alone for a woman is an Art, a talent to be learned. Knowing how to be alone does not come naturally to most women. Anne Morrow Lindbergh counsels in her book, Gift From the Sea: "Woman must come of age by herself. This is the essence of 'coming of age'--to learn to stand alone."
   
   Her title On My Own, tells us that this subject is one Ms. Falk has also needed to confront. In her case, her zest for work led to her lack of time alone, until she felt so burned out, she was forced to cancel future commitments.
   
   What does it mean to be a woman alone and why is the ability to enjoy one's own company so relatively rare? Ms. Falk explores these important questions from every angle, adding the infectious wisdom of well-known writers, philosophers, and psychologists to her own.
   
   Fear of loneliness keeps women in relationships that are disharmonious, even physically and/or emotionally abusive. Often women have a tendency to suppress their emotions because of feelings of shame, inferiority and depression, emotions difficult to share or to admit even to oneself. Nietzche called these emotions: "dangerous knowledge...which the heart ferociously resists, fearing to be disabled--fearing, in essence, its own salvation."
   
   We fear being "present with ourselves" believing this to mean we will end up alone, without our connections to others we cannot imagine living without. Falk's book explains how these fears began, how society encourages them, and how our childhoods often reinforce them.
   
   She quotes the English pediatrician and psychoanalyst D.W. Winnecott, who emphasized that the ability to be alone depends upon a child being raised in "...the presence of a nurturing caregiver who, in the deepest sense, respects and therefore validates (his) being."
   
   This perceptive book stresses that learning to be alone is a vital prerequisite for participating in a healthy relationship as well as in the development of one's creative skills. Having an aptitude for being alone is not something we are born with though some have a greater capacity for it than others. May Sarton, who wrote of her love of solitude in "Journal of a Solitude," talks about her own fear of "the huge empty silence" that greeted her each time she returned home after a lecture or book reading before a large audience.
   
   Ms. Falk writes: "These alternating life currents of separation and connection...allow us to become our own mapmakers and move into the uncharted territory of our lives." It is a liberating experience to become one's own "mapmaker" and move into "uncharted territories" but for this to happen, one's fears need to take a backseat to the decisions that confront us daily.
   
   It is only through solitude that we can achieve any semblance of self-knowledge. Ms. Falk points out: "How ironic that this relationship to oneself is the one we are least familiar with, and yet it is the building block for all others. Our strength, our stability, and the integrity of all our relationships depend on forging this vital connection."
   
   My favorite quote in the book speaks to this point. It is by the poet Rainer Maria Rilke: "I hold this to be the highest task of a bond between two people: that each should stand guard over the solitude of the other." This is the definition of a relationship in which two people do not interfere with the personal freedom of the other.
   
   It is important to mention that Ms. Falk reminds us of the difference between aloneness and solitude. If we are to enjoy solitude as a measure of our self-acceptance and portal to creativity, we must first allow and accept that we, each of us, are alone in our lives...and rather than see this as a frightening reality, let it lead us to a profound connection to our sacred selves.
   
   I recommend this book to all who wish to explore their own fears regarding solitude, and to all who wish to deepen their connections to self.
   
   by Duffie Bart
   for Story Circle Book Reviews
   reviewing books by, for, and about women