5 comments about Domestic Violence Sourcebook, The.

1. Just in response to a previous reviewer- As a domestic violence education professional, I assure you that all reputable sources on domestic violence agree that women make up the overwhelming majority of victims of DV (these statistics vary from the 80s to the high 90s in terms of percentages).



2. Ladies, if you're a victim, read this book. (And I say "Ladies" because--despite what the woefully misinformed individual below tells his "clients"--women DO make up the HUGE majority of victims.)



3. Unfortunately, rather than taking on a very important social issue with objectivity and truth, the book simply repeates completely unfounded propoganda that women are the victim in "85%+" of cases. Anyone interested, do what I did (/do) as part of my employment -- go to your local family court and watch on domestic violence day(s). No one will be able to pull the anti-male wool over your eyes after that. Men are the plaintiff in about 35% of the cases -- and we need to keep in mind that men are far less likely to step forward and are far more likely to be ridiculed, harassed, and treated dismissively at every step in the process (for example - 90%+ of all domestic violence shelters have "women" somewhere in their title...not exactly an invitation to a male who desperately needs help).
   
   Sadly, this kind of "book" (with dubious sources when they bother to give a source at all) perpetuates the myths and does great harm by keeping the +/- 40% of victims who need help oppressed.



4. This is a necessary read for any therapist working with couples in crisis. Understanding the criminal nature of battering, the state laws governing the offense, and the denial and minimizing of the act of violence by the victim is important for appropriate intervention and safety of the patient.



5. There is a crucial differences between male and female domestic violence. If a man isn't afraid of a woman's violence, it's not abuse. Fear is a defining factor.
   
   Abuse is systematically controlling another person through intimidation and control in a sadly self-defeating attempt to get needs met. An abuser believe violence is justified in achieving this. Non-abusers may flip out sometimes, but they genuinely believe that violence is only justified in self-defense, and only in enough measure to protect ourselves or others.
   
   Ironically, when a woman is continually abused, she become nervous, volatile, exhausted, and may even respond with verbal abuse and, rarely, physical violence (rarely because the male is usually more powerful.) Think: cornered animal.
   
   When a man begins to change or behaves less violently, the deep anger women have been feeling but suppressing out of fear may finally come out, and not always in the nicest way. However, this is categorically different from abuse: punishing, strategic, intentional violence.
   
   Sadly, men who are violent will use any excuse to defend their behavior. Hence, accusing their female targets of being abusers. That might be where the court statistics listed below come from (if they are even accurate). Ironically, many women don't prosecute their male abusers out of a misguided hope of helping them through nurture and communication instead. (In fact, it appears that real painful consequences are much more likely to motivate an abuser to change.)
   
   Women aren't "better" than men for being statistically much less likely to be abusers. They simply don't have that option due to the reality of the comparable strength of their bodies and society's conditioning.
   
   Think about this: How many women buy a gun and routinely wave it around to intimidate their husband to control his behavior? It seems absurd, doesn't it? What might the man do in response? Run away? Try to overpower her anyway? Yet men easily intimidate women in this way without that gun, simply because they are physically (and often financially) stronger.
   
   Ironically, women who actually are abusive are said to be the hardest to rehabilitate. This is because a woman who goes against all of society's training to use brute force to try to get her needs met is usually severely mentally ill.
   
   So... To the man who feels a need to bring up women's abuse in a review of a book designed to help men stop abusing and help women escape their abuse... What need does this fulfill in you? Why not stop denying and blaming others for your behavior and get help? Or recommend a good book that specifically targets helping women abusers to change and their male targets to free themselves from women's abuse? After all, isn't the purpose of these books to help both men and women...and their children?

3 comments about Leaving the Enchanted Forest: The Path from Relationship Addiction to Intimacy.

1. my recovery process. I was facing the affair of my wife, filing for divorce and taking care of my children and this book guide me to a safe place. Through the pages I found what was keeping me in fear and devastation. The most important thing, I found myself, no matter that my wife still wanted to be on the enchanted forest. It show me the way for leaving from a dysfunctional relationship with my wife, but most important from a dysfunctional relationship with myself.



2. The book was not the best I ever read on the subjects but all & all it gave me some good insights on my life and learning a little here and there from any book is good... The book did have some interesting parts in it that I liked and was not bored with it, so I would recommend it.



3. The book arrived very quickly and in very good condition. I believe I will seek other books through this method.

3 comments about Hope and Recovery: A Twelve Step Guide for Healing From Compulsive Sexual Behavior.

1. Hope & Recovery is the current basic text of SAA (Sex Addicts Anomyous, a twelve-step group for sexually recovering people). The book is designed for individuals who feel that they are sexually compusive and are looking for information on the addictive disease and "tools" to use to become and remain free from sexual addiction. Each of the twelve steps is explained in detail on how they can be lived daily for sexual recovery. A number of individuals tell their own experiences of how they lived their disease, discovered the hope of the program, and how they are currently living a life of recovery. The book is well written, sensitive, hopeful, and a continual must read through the journey of recovery. Definately Hope & Recovery.



2. I was checking out some recovery books on Amazon and noticed this review about "Hope and Recovery". I'm a member of Sex Addicts Anonymous and "Hope and Reovery" IS NOT the basic text of that fellowship. It is read, but it's not the basic text. If you read the Steps and Traditions in the book, and really the rest of the book, nowhere is Sex Addicts Anonymous ever mentioned in those pages. I'm not saying "don't read Hope and Recovery," I just want to make it clear that it's not the basic text of SAA.

   "Hope and Recovery" is a good read especially if you're a sex addict seeking recovery. It's a great book to "identify" with the problem of sex addiction. What has helped me in my recovery program with sex addiction, however, is reading the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and the AA "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions"--the start of all 12-Step recovery programs. Though not an alcoholic, I can translate the problem as well as the solution to my sex addiction and my recovery from it, one day at a time. I use these two books more than I use "Hope and Recovery."




3. Just as claraification: This book was written by anonymous members of the group Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (SCA) and is the basic text of that group. I am a member of SCA and I have found this book extremely helpful. I would recommend it to anyone, both on the basis of a standalone book and and a possible introduction to what SCA is about.

5 comments about Not Child's Play: An Anthology on Brother-Sister Incest.

1. This line in Risa Shaw's complex and beautifully-composed anthology on brother-sister sexual abuse perfectly captures the power of this little gem of a book.

   Shaw has collected the voices and art of 35 survivors, and she let's them speak up and out in complex and non-homogenized ways. The editing for this volume is beautiful, as the brief pieces are clear but not in any way standardized in content or form. Here you will meet women who explode with unequivocal rage, stories of girls who told and girls who kept quiet, families who stopped it and (many more) families who didn't, women who have patiently and lovingly cultivated honest adult relationships with their former abusers, women whose demands for truth have cost them their families, and women whose deeply complicated and ambivalent memories make room simultaneously for shame, hurt, fear, and pleasure.

   I do not *agree* with every analysis that's offered in this book, but why should I? There is such a glorious chorus of smart voices here that invites a great new level of discussion to commence on this severely under-discussed topic. For example, Margaret Randall writes "Brother-sister incest is not about sex. It is not about pleasure. It is about power, pure and simple" (foreword, p. 2). I think that's too simple - I read many of the pieces in the book as demonstrating how brother-sister sexual abuse is so damaging precisely because it IS about sex and pleasure at the same time that it is about power. Deep, systematic power imbalances distort both girls' and boys' experiences of pleasure and sexual development. I welcome the opportunity to have this discussion, finally! Brava to Risa Shaw and the many contributors. And one additional note: the book is worth it for the Action Girl Figures alone. Simply brilliant!




2. Finally, a book that puts a human face on brother-sister incest, so often brushed off as "normal" or hidden as something that "can't be bad, it happens all the time." As a survivor, I found this book extremely helpful and validating of my feelings, and bought two more--one to share with my family and one to share with friends. Thank you, Lunch Box Press, for this creative anthology that recognizes courageous sisters, speaks for many of us who are "hushed," and empowers our younger sisters to break this abuse.



3. I am so greatful to Risa Shaw and the numerous authors of Not Child's Play for sharing a part of themselves with me. Brother-sister incest must be brought out in the open, and steps must be taken for it to be prevented. In sharing their stories, these women ensure that readers will do everything in their power to make sure this doesn't happen to any little girl they know. These women of strength are a catalyst for healing, for education and an inspiration to millions of women and girls out there. I recommend this book to anyone who wants to read what true strength is in this world. Thank you Lunchbox Press!



4. I first heard about this wonderful book from a male friend who thought it might help me come to terms with my abusive past. I had just started therapy and was almost afraid to read it, so it sat on my desk for awhile. Yes, the emotions this book brought out in me were extremely strong, it brought back a lot of pain and sorrow but the most positive thing it did for me was to make me realize that I was not alone...these women had similar histories but they survived, WERE survivors and were able to voice their feelings.
   
   Never having been a fan of poetry before, imagine my surprise when I began writing my own poems - some very short, some long but all emotional, heartwrenching and true. For the first time, I was able to put in black and white some of those feelings that I had bottled up for almost 40 years. As many survivors will tell you, it's so much easier to ignore your feelings so you don't have to deal with them...or the reasons behind them, but "easy" isn't necessarily healthy or constructive. Shutting down emotionally may dull the pain and make it so we can get through each day but it won't help anyone heal.
   
   This small book inspired me to explore my own feelings, feel the pain but also know that THIS pain would help me heal and to deal with my past, to understand it and to recover from it. It's an often misused word, but I would consider this book to be the most "empowering" of any that I have yet to read on childhood sexual abuse.
   
   May every abuse survivor find their own true voice.
   
   
   I call my shortest poem, "Growing Up":
   
   In many ways, I grew up too fast,
   In some ways, I never grew up at all.
   I want to grow old on MY terms.



5. In recent years, more and more information has been made available on the epidemic of childhood sexual abuse. However, despite the proliferation in professional and self-help literature on the topic, there are still important gaps, and Shaw's book represents an empowering attempt at addressing one of those gaps. There is little information out there on sibling abuse, even though studies have shown that it is likely even more common than adult-child abuse. Shaw's anthology gives voice to survivors of brother-sister incest. The writings and visual art of survivors underline the catastrophic effects this particular kind of childhood sexual abuse has on the victims, yet, they also show the immense amount of resilience and strength in the women who contributed to the book.
   
   The stories can be triggering to read, but at the same time they finally provide recognition of a type of abuse that so often goes unnoticed. This is an immensely important and empowering book.

5 comments about Because I Remember Terror, Father, I Remember You (Associated Writing Programs Award for Creative Nonfiction).

1. I bought this book with hesitancy due to what I thought would be wading through the horrors of family incest, however; Silverman writes with such beautiful prose she makes the subject remain heartwrenching, yet readable in one of those books that does not come along very often. Her account is horrific and not for the faint of heart, but the writing and her courage to to endure and survive the atrocities of her childhood give the reader faith in how strong the human spririt can truly be. An amazing story told by an amazing woman who is obviously also a very gifted writer.



2. There is a reason why this book has such a high customer rating. I have never read such a well written and beautifully articulated story of horrendous abuse. I read ALOT of books on this subject. None can compare. It addresses the subject of incest by a father and an enabling mother. It speaks of her relationship with her parents well after the abuse has ended. Anyone who must, or choose, to stay in relationship with their abuser will relate to this. There is much to connect with in her story. Buy it quickly!



3. The story belongs to the one who tells it best. This will never be topped. Sensitive and brave, Sue William finds the words to tell the truth and heal not only her own soul but many others.



4. I had to order this book for school, but I would definitely recommend it if you are interested in social work.



5. I admire this author and person very much. She survived a hideous childhood, yet has the strength to write about it. I know her story will help countless others who have endured similar experiences. Her writing skills are excellent.

5 comments about What About Me? A Guide for Men Helping Female Partners Deal with Childhood Sexual Abuse.

1. A good read for therapist or therapist in training. Great to have in the back of your mind to recomend to such clients.



2. This is an absolute must read for any men out there who have women partners that have suffered childhood sexual abuse in any of its many and abhorrent forms. My wife suffered this from no less than three different males in her life before the age of 14, and two of them were relatives. I, like you, needed some reference material to try and help me cope with how to help her, and though there isn't going to be a cookie cutter answer for every situation... this book offers a lot of insight and gives you some starting points to begin looking for help.
   
   Thanks.
   Lynn



3. Although this book is somewhat helpful, it is, unfortunately, based mostly on the anecdotal experience of one couple [the author and his wife]. I think that Allies in Healing is a more helpful book - if you are looking for a book written mostly for spouses of survivors.
   
   To husbands: FYI - the healing is a very long and arduous process - it ain't pretty, and it really helps if you have a LOT of love and MORE stamina. If so, I highly recommend "Women Who Hurt Themselves" by Dusty Miller. It's a tough read, but will put things into a logical framework for you. This issue has a lot of gender implications in its understanding, and a logical framework seems to be essential for the male in the role of supportive mate.



4. This book may not earn awards for best literary style, but you can feel the sincerity of deep understanding through this author's words. As with any material, I disagreed with portions of its contents; however, I wish my husband and I would have owned this book at the beginning of our healing process. It gives you a realist overview of the turmoil you will face as a couple. As the abused victim, I was so consumed in my healing that the silent screams of what my husband was dealing with went unheard by everyone. Men, while trying to remain strong and supportive, suffer alone with forgotten wounded hearts which also have to heal.



5. I am a licensed Counselor, who specializes in trauma/substance abuse.
   In reviewing this book, I have found it to be a wonderful book for my client's partners to better understand their significant other's needs and their own. This book creats hope for both partners, and supports increased and healthy communication between both individuals. I would recommend this book for anyone who practices within this field, or an individual who is involved in a loving relationship with a person who has been sexually abused. Remember:"It is better to be active and supportive with those that have been abused, then to do nothing at all, and hope one day things will work itself out."

5 comments about The Right to Innocence: Healing the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse: A Therapeutic 7-Step Self-Help Program for Men and Women, Including How to Choose a Therapist and Find a Support Group.

1. It's clear that Dr. Engel knows what she is talking about here. The exercises and visualization techniques are excellent. Her seven-step program will aid in healing.
   
   Also recommended: Miss America By Day (Marilyn VanDerber)



2. I had be a victim of child molestation for many years. I was victimized by 14 different abusers including family memebers. I was so depressed most of my life. Full of Rage, is was the therapist told me. After reading this book my life began again. When I seen Beverly Engle on The Opera Show I was so happy to see her sharing her book. I followed this book & told my story to my Pastors. What a wonderful life I now have. No longer drepessed & released from anger. The Pyscholgist said he couldn't recommend this book. Well then he doens't understand what a victim is going through. I was a victim from age 6yrs to 13yrs. and carried this burden with me till I was 35yrs. old. Don't wait read it now! God bless you beverly because I'm a whole person today.



3. This is the first book, and after reading many, still the best book I've read about incest and childhood sexual abuse. I am a survivor of both. The name jumped right off the cover and grabed me; the truth of the title hit me right between the eyes. The pages of the treatise itself do not disappoint, it is filled with words that resonate in the hearts and minds of those of us who have been sexually abused. We all are endowed with a RIGHT TO INNOCENCE! How it is stolen from us and the horror stories that abound in the aftermath are compiled in this "wonderful" book that explains so much for those of us who have been "keeping the secret" (for me, over 50 years!!) I read it in the beginning of my therapy. I still refer to it and have given several copies away. I highly recommend this book for those who have treated themselves so badly for years, because they have come to believe that they must have been to blame for what someone else did TO them. There will be so many things about yourself and painful problems that you have been enduring for years, that you will now understand are "part and parcel" of the incest/child abuse survivors experience. You will find youself saying, "oh yes, oh my God, that's me". That the only thing "wrong" with you is that you have been trying to deny and bury the horror and the problems and the pain for TOO LONG! I remembered every detail of my incest/abuse, and the aftermath of it's effects have lasted a lifetime. I did not seek help or talk to a single soul about it until I was 55 years old!! The problems that it caused me are mirade, probably preventable, if only I had saught help sooner. Please know you will be glad that you ordered this book. This book is a "God send".
   
   KMEG, Sellersville, PA



4. I absolutely love this book!! It has been such a blessing!! Whenever the demons from my past comes back to haunt me, I just read this book!! This is a book I would highly recommend to victims of childhood sexual abuse. If you truly want to become a survivor, then this is the book to have!! It is just that good!! I will never get back my innocence but I have been able to heal the trauma from that abuse with this wonderful book!!



5. This book was a godsend. I was alone with no one to turn to and no one in my family who would acknowledge my abuse, let alone help me, and I used this to guide me. It let me know why I behaved the way I did and felt as I did and how to throw off the pain, forgive myself and confront my fears and my abuser so that I could be free of the past.
   
   Its been two years since I used this book and now I am a totally healed person. I would recommend this to anybody who seeks self help through the traumatic experience. And a very sincerely thank you to Beverly for writing this book and helping me through the most harrowing experience of my life.
   
   If this is of any relevance, I would like to shed light on the more far reaching effects of this book, on a 16 year old girl from rural India, who cannot even read English. She had come to me to tell me of her father molesting her. By this time, I was well healed myself and therefore, was able to help this poor girl. This might not be a direct aim for the book's helpfulness but if Ms.Engel ever sees this, she would know just how many lives she has touched directly and indirectly. I hope all survivors will also, in turn spread the light that this book has cast so incredibly far.

5 comments about Men's Work: How to Stop the Violence That Tears Our Lives Apart.

1. This book is well worth reading, especially for men who want to understand and do something about gender based violence. It is accessible and addresses the issues in a down to earth way providing insights significant for both men and women. Suitable for high school age through adult.



2. Kivel's theories are total nonsense. He draws parallels between all manners of normal masculine behavior and the topic of violence. "Have you ever stared at a woman's breasts while talking to her?" He asks. "Have you ever worked out to make yourself look tougher?" He asks. Is this supposed to make us feel guilty about being men? How do these things make us "violent." This book advocates the feminist-inspired psychological castration of men. I have a few questions. Women: Have you ever looked at a man's pec's? Have you ever tried to look prettier in order to impress a richer man?

   This book is a pro-feminist piece of garbage. I was forced to read this book in college and it is as inflamatory as it is inaccurate.




3. Any man willing to take a true inward look will benefit from reading this book. As Kivel points out, this is really our work to do as men - to take a look at what makes us prove our worth by posturing ourselves and emphasizing our power over others. This isn't easy because the priveledge that comes with power is so latent in what we do, we have to really listen to ourselves as well as the women in our lives and these simply aren't things that men are typically socialized to do. If more men would stop being defensive when women or allies of women call men on their sexism or appeal to their humanity and would begin to address how we perpetuate male dominance, we would not only live in a much less violent and tolerant society, but I think we would find that men would be much happier as a result of having better relationships in their lives.



4. Kivel's book provides useful examples of what to do in practice to reduce the drivers for domestic violence. The fictionalised role-plays also provide practical descriptions of how violent interactions can develop - although unfortunately the triggers in many of the role-plays are so unrealistic as to lose most of their credibility.
   
   The catch is that, like most books of this type, Kivel makes the entirely unfounded assumption that all violence in the home is caused by males - which renders it almost worse-than-useless for dealing with the full complexity of domestic violence. (I've worked mainly in resolving lesbian violence - in reality, by far the most violent class of relationship rather than the least.) Ironically, Kivel illustrates this himself, in that the only example of real (as opposed to fictionalised) violence described in the whole book is between two girls in a classroom, who come to blows when one insults the other in front of the class.
   
   Read it - it's useful - but strip out all of his sexism and male-blame before trying to put it into practice in any real-world context.



5. This is a great bookto understand men and where ethey come from but not to excuse their behavior.

5 comments about Ditch That Jerk : Dealing With Men Who Control and Hurt Women.

1. An invaluable manual for how to get out of an abusive relationship and how to break the ties afterwards. I also recommend it for women who are looking for a serious relationship and for young teens. There are definite red flags to look for BEFORE you become involved with someone.



2. The book tended to ramble on a bit, but overall, I found it very informative and helpful. The title is this books biggest flaw. The book itself has the potential to help women to tell the difference between a good man who does bad things but can be helped, and a really bad man she should stay away from. Unfortunately, when I tried to get my daughter to read this book, she was offended by the title. Even after I explained the intent of the book, she still refused to take it. She was afraid if her boyfriend saw the book, he would think she was trying to get rid of him and it would cause trouble in their home.



3. This seems like a good book. However, if women didn't get themselves into these problems they wouldn't need it.. Women are drawn to A-holes. That's all there is to it. If you are nice to a woman she won't want to sleep with you or marry you. But if you start treating her like garbage, she can't get enough of you. Then they sit around and complain about how guys mistreat them. Yeah miss genius, couldn't you tell he was a jerk to start with!? When you start dating a guy, how he treats you is pretty much how he is going to always treat you. If he is a jerk now, he will only be a bigger jerk as he gets to be more comfortable around you.



4. I'm really just here commenting on a lot of the "non-reviews" here. I read them and then did an Amazon search for "men hating women." Lots of hits. Then I did one for "women hating men." Nothing. So just a reminder that no matter how bad you think it is, men are not joyously publishing books about "them thar crazy women folk." Since most of these reviews concentrate on the supposition that all men are abusive, which is not in keeping with the title of this book, I'd say let's pull back from the rhetoric, read the book, and then comment.



5. This is a very, very informative book on abuse. It doesn't necessarily have to be for women only. For men in relationships abused by women, this will be very helpful to you too.
   
   The book concentrates mostly on physical abuse, and I wish the author talked more about emotional / verbal abuse, but the dynamic behind all kinds of abuse is the same. Same denial, justifications for the behavior, shifting the blame tactics that all abusive people use. The author tries to help the reader determine their partner's capacity to change by using three categories - potentially good, bad, or hopeless.
   
   Some things that determine an abusive person's potential to change are self-examination, whether or not he acknowledges he has a problem, type of friends he has, whether substance abuse is involved or not, does he make excuses, deny or minimize his actions, etc. The author thoroughly goes over them all. She also describes types of counseling that will / will not work, and the guilt tactics she described that abusers use really hit home with me.
   
   This book has very good substance to it, and is a must for abused partners to read. Despite the cheesy title that makes it sound like a typical breakup book, it's as informative and educational as Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?"
   
   I also object to the title because someone who hits his partner is way more than just a "jerk."

1 comments about Eating for Recovery: The Essential Nutrition Plan to Reverse the Physical Damage of Alcoholism.

1. This is a well written, informative and engaging book. While reading it, one has a growing sense of relief; the quiet feeling that this book will help many people change their lives in positive ways. Ms. Siple, a registered dietitian, provides a science-based, very understandable overview of the components of the chemistry of eating. She describes what the body needs, what chemicals and vitamins are depleted as a result of addiction, and simple, concrete ways to begin and maintain the healing process. Molly Siple writes in a very readable style that supports taking action. I've tried some of her recipes and find them them to be easy and delicious! Thank you, Ms. Siple for sharing your wisdom and nutritional knowledge!