5 comments about Contrary to Love: Helping the Sexual Addict.

1. The title of this book reveals the premise that Patrick Carnes presents. He tells us that the behaviors of sexual addicts are not actions of love, but of abnormal, compulsive rituals performed in a desparate attempt to self-treat the feelings of despair and anger that has become the fabric of the addict's life. This book is not an introductory volume, it is quite thorough and detailed. The author outlines six phases of sex addiction as well as explaining three levels of behavior. He points out that the different levels of behavior are not necessarily progressive, but the phases of addiction ARE. While this book is designed specifically for those who are care-givers for the sexually addicted, it also gives comfort and insight to the co-addict or codependent involved with the addict. The thoroughness and detail that he writes with may actually be beyond the easy comprehension of many addicts themselves, due to their cloudy comprehension and frequent separations from reality, but I would recommend this book as a challenge and as an invaluable tool for breaking the chains of sexual addiction.



2. For me it would have been more difficult to appreciate this book had I not read "Out of the Shadows." I had purchased these books over ten years ago but only read them within the past few months. One of the great values of Carnes approach is his no wholes barred, stratight on approach to addiction and the role that sexual addiction plays. There is nothing wishy-washy in his approach to the dilemma, nor is there anything apologetic about his criticisms (i.e. limitations) of AA and common theraputic practices. To me he is entirely convincing which speaks for his clear understanding of addiction that adds for the breakdown of social or societal illusions and delusions. I just wish he took more seriously what he refers to as stage one addictions to which he does concede some degree of (to me mostly unjustifiable) normalcy and acceptance based on social norms. Aside from that, it is simply an outstanding book.



3. This is a very comprehensive book on the mechanisms of sexual addiction. It is direct and thorough, with lots of detail on the dynamics of this disorder and the does a good job of describing the disorder at the individual and systems levels.
   
   I agree with the reviews below that this particular book might be a bit much for someone who is caught in the midst of early recovery sexual addiction and the attendant self deception that accompanies it. However, for someone well into recovery it offers much in terms of understanding this disorder at a deeper level.
   
   This is a very good book for therapists considering different approaches to treating sexual addiction. Patrick Carnes is not shy about presenting his point of view and he is certainly an authority in this field.
   
   I have also read Out of the Shadows by the same author and preferred this for my purposes in understanding sexual addiction. However, I think the two books speak to different audiences and both have value. Out of the Shadows is more appropriate for a sexual addict in recovery or for people trying to get a general understanding of sexual addiction.
   
   My favorite book on this topic is Women, Sex and Addiction by Kasl. Her focus is on women, but there is a lot of good general information, case studies and explanations. However, it lacks the rigorous treatment of the disorder from a systems approach as well as the various treatment options. It does, however, include spiritual aspects of the problem and presents the topic in a very compassionate way. It also includes a lot of good information on sexual codependence



4. This book is not written for the lay person dealing with this issue, but rather for the mental health professional. The "evaluation" pages are helpful but that was about it. I highly recommend, "Out of the Shadows".



5. This book is very thorough in its explanation of sex addiction. As the spouse of a sex addict, I found it very comforting to understand the why and how of the addiction. During my dark hours when I was feeling hurt, rejected and making the addiction about me it was so healing to read this clinical analysis to create some distance and offer me some perspective. I really liked how he explained the benefits of the 12 step program and how effective it is in treatment. He brings a poetry and spirituality to the program that I think you don't find in most literature. He really explains from beginning to end the cycle of addiction, the role of the co-addict and what is required for long term addiction recovery. This truly is a must read for addicts and anyone touched by the disease of sex addiction.

5 comments about Invisible Girls: The Truth About Sexual Abuse--A Book for Teen Girls, Young Women, and Everyone Who Cares About Them.

1. I appreciate what Dr. Patti is trying to do here. I do. However, this book is laden with the myths and stereotypes survivors are fighting to overcome in their everyday life. I was extremely disappointed when I read this. The author practically says that "Date Rape" (also known as acquaintance rape, which is by far the more correct term--look up statistics if you're interested in what I mean) is often preventable. This again places the onus on potential victims/survivors to make sure they aren't assaulted. So often, those wo haven't survived a rape or assault are told they shouldn't have had that last drink, or worn a short skirt, or done ANYTHING that could have potentially put them at risk. No one ever mentions that it is a perp's decision to assault someone. She seemed to say that it wasn't the survivor's fault while simultaneously contending that rape can be prevented--and that if you put yourself in a certain position, you were in some way implicitly involved in your own assault.
   
   She also "rates" abuse and assault. While this may seem innocent (Incest, for example, is "the deepest cut"--or wound--it's been awhile since I read it), it implies that other experiences are somehow less damaging. Isn't it more important to support all survivors than to somehow rank their experience and trauma? Who can do that, and why would we want to? Also, the ONLY example of child on child sexual interaction is in terms of "playing doctor." While it is important to differentiate normal exploration and abuse, Dr. Patti fails to include in her book an example of NONconsensual sexual interaction between children. This further promotes the idea that child on child sexual abuse cannot when occur when it can and does.
   
   I could barely make it through this one. I wish her the best of luck, but this book really didn't do it for me. There are others out there that are much better.



2. This book turned my life around. As a survivor of rape and abuse, I had developed many unhealthy habits such as denial and isolation. After reading this book, I felt connected to a larger community and was finally able to get some help! The stories of the girls in this book are so personal and so touching that it is easy to find strength in their struggle to heal.
   
   But the real power of this book for me is that the individual accounts of abuse and survival are used as examples to support the chapters on each kind of abuse. These chapters are filled with information about the abuse, understanding of the typical response (did you count? detach? act out? It's all ok here.), and advise on how to work through the memories of the experience.
   
   I would recommend this book not only to any girl who has suffered abuse, but also to anyone who knows someone who has suffered. It will help you understand the pain and bring a very hidden problem into the open where it can be fought.



3. Invisible girls is a great book. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and even as an adult I found it very helpful. I am also the Founder&CEO of Safe Girls Strong Girls a 501 (c) 3 committed to Breaking the Silence on Childhood Sexual Abuse. I give this book to all girls that attend our programs. It is a great resource and allows teen girls to see that they are not alone. Terrific read and a great resource. I highly recommend it.



4. I love the authenticity of the stories in this book. To my knowledge, it is the first book with a healing theme that has been written with a therapist's voice giving support and explaining and breaking down issues throughout. It has universal appeal and, though it continues to be the best book on sex abuse for teenage girls, it is really appropriate to anyone healing from abuse. I am a psychotherapist and I give this book to my clients of all ages, who all heal through reading it.



5. This book is amazing, it has helped me so much. Parts of it I felt like were my biography or something. It's just so supportive, I felt like it had an answer to everything. It was this book that made me realize (for the first time in my life) that maybe what happened to me wasn't my fault after all. I'm still learning that.
   This book was ten years in the making. Instantly I knew why, it truly is amazing. It helped me so much. I'm already re-reading it. I think what I like about it the best is that you managed to include everything a young survivor needs to hear in a way that is comforting and safe.
   My healing would be totally different, and probably stalled at this point, if it weren't for me having this book to read.

3 comments about Healing the Trauma of Domestic Violence: A Workbook for Women (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook).

1. I would recommend this seller to all of my friends and colleauges. Manual sent promptly and in excellent condition.



2. This book is specifically designed as a workbook for those who have suffered from "Battered Women's Syndrome" and/or other aspects of "domestic violence". I find much irony in Dr. Kubany's advice that "one needs to be out of an abusive relationship, before using this workbook"! I do understand the book's assertions because half of the battle in fighting abuse is escaping from abusive people, but there are such rampant social abuses that this book fails to address as contributing factors!
   
   The book seems to commercialize many aspects of "relationship abuse" that one might not be able to be aware of on their own if they are "stuck in an abusive relationship", and are unable to find a strategy to escape their predicament, yet that is the premise of the workbook, to be "out of the relationship" before using this workbook.
   
   As my personal experience with abuse has been far more complex than anything found in this primer, I found some of the exercises to be mundane reviews of personal reflections of self-worth...not my primary concern. There are, however, some helpful examples of reflective thought processes that prove to be useful, but in a very basic way, and is especially aimed towards those with low self-esteem.
   
   If you are looking for something that addresses complex issues of abuses of political, legal, financial and/or familial/parental type abuses, this book fails that agenda. As I had also spoken personally with Dr. Kubany in Honolulu where he holds his practice, he sure doesn't seem too interested or capable in addressing or helping with far more complex PTSD issues, and seems even less interested in obtaining potential clients! I was very disappointed in the book, but even more so with a lack of professional concern in regards to victims of abuse in general, other than marketing abuse ideology and this book!
   
   This attitude is all too prevalent in the psychology/psychiatry and medical fields. No wonder there are so many injured people without help...many whom have turned to drug and/or alcohol abuses "to escape their horrible lives". Unless you are on drugs and/or alcohol, the system fails you terribly! (Must be a federal/state/county funding failure???)
   
   I have done much research on Complex PTSD, especially in relation to major financial and social politics and crimes and am happy to say that there is an attempt at the field with far more accurate information and favorable resources than was available even four years ago when this book was published in 2004.
   
   This book will NOT specifically address other types of trauma except for a basic self-questionnaire regarding basic "old school theories" of causes of PTSD in relation to "battered woman syndrome" and/or "domestic violence", as well as the newer political catchphrase of "anger management". In my opinion, the majority of these "old school theories" are extremely outdated and lacking in current relativity to the rampant and ingrained levels of abuses in MANY aspects of our society, not just in relationships, and this book fails to recognize these as contributing factors, especially within the medical/psychiatric industries! I feel that abusive relationships are more of a symptom of underlying contributing factors within our government, communities, schools, churches, professional work, etc...if not intertwined, and that "domestic violence" is only one example of how "violence" is ingrained in our abusive society. This book is seriously lacking in addressing these other contributing factors...
   
   I find most theoretical aspects of abuse to be quite outdated in general, (or strategically omission based)although providing some basic awareness to potential causes of basic PTSD relative to unhealthy relationships and unhealthy attitudes in general.
   
   I must add that the book's good points are in addressing the fact that it is a good workbook that will bring some self-awareness of one's own vulnerable and self-destructive habits and situations, especially in regards to personal relationships with self and by others.



3. This is an amazing workbook, that has helped myself tremendously !!! I highly recomend this book, for it combines reading & your feedback through the exercises !!! Very insightful & really helps a survivor of Domestic Violence & PTSD, understand why you feel the way you feel, that it is normal & you are not alone !!!! Answers so many questions & assesment tool is wonderful. I have shared this book w/ my Therapist & my Counselor @ my Domestic Violence Group. Please if you suffer any of this, Get the Book, Highly recommend it...Good Luck & we are Survivors !!!

5 comments about I Never Told Anyone: Writings by Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse.

1. I don't generally like short story format, but I found this book to be better than I expected. Just be warned that some of the stories are graphic and can be disturbing, so be prepared. It must have been quite empowering for the women to tell their stories since, as children, they likely kept it a secret. Another book that comes highly recommended is Miss America By Day by Marilyn VanDerber.



2. This book provides insight into the inner workings of child sexual abuse and why victims don't tell. The stories range from a quick one-time exposure to unthinkable brutality. Some perpetrators were strangers; others were family members. All caused lasting emotional damage. The accounts are so honest and true that they allowed me to recognize for the first time that I had been molested, and it completely changed my life.
   
   I read "I Never Told Anyone" about twenty years ago, when I was still living with my parents, not long after I graduated from college. My mom had checked it out from the library, and the title haunted me because I, too, had a secret I had never told another living soul. I read the back cover and then kept moving the book away from wherever I was in the house, terrified of what was inside. Finally, I couldn't resist. I stayed up all night and read it from cover to cover. I saw my own story in the things that were said, the feelings that were expressed... For the first time I realized that maybe I wasn't evil; that maybe I didn't deserve to die; that instead, as an innocent child, I had been manipulated and molested.
   
   It was the most difficult thing I have ever done, but because of this book, I did tell, and I got help. Child sexual abuse is extremely devastating, but there can be happy endings, and I am living one. Thank you so much, Ellen Bass and your courageous contributors, for your part in that.



3. This book gives women the opportunity to "speak" against the abuse that happened to them. I appreciated the way it was organized into types of abusers (fathers, family members, siblings, strangers, etc.) so that you could go to the areas that were of most interest to you. I would highly recommend this book to anyone having been through abuse as a child.



4. If you are a male that was molested, this book may not help. The book also has overtones that males are all bad because of their sexual drive and females are predominantly victims of being primarily sexual objects. If you are looking to get over sexual abuse, this book does not seem to provide answers for how to find a cure.



5. This material is timeless, in that the stories will always be relevant, though the problem with this book is that most of the stories are very dated in terms of the time in history that they occurred. My wife as a victim of childhood sexual abuse, would be a better story reference than someone from the 20's, 30's, 40's, or 50's... as the treatment of women during those decades was viewed completely different from the 60's going forward. Still a worthwhile read for women who need to understand they are not alone in this suffering, but it could do with some updated stories and references to more modern women.
   
   Thanks.
   Lynn

5 comments about Beyond Betrayal: Taking Charge of Your Life After Boyhood Sexual Abuse.

1. It is the best book I read on boyhood sexual abuse. It is a life saver!!! It is very constructive in rebuilding one's life after the abuse. A must read...



2. In the early months of therapy my therapist suggested this book. She had listened to me when I said that the other books seemed to be about victims, but not 'of' victims; she said this book was geared more from the victims' perspective. Reading it was one of the defining moments in my healing; this was a turning point. I read about people just like me; I read about how they felt and how they expressed it to Dr Gartner; I read about them not wanting to say the truth because they feared reprisal or ridicule; I read about things I thought only I felt, suffered, endured and held inside. I read reality and it hit home, it hit home hard and true and I let go of something. I let go of the illusion that I was the only one in the whole world that felt like that. I let go - so simple yet so profound, and in letting go I opened a small window to let my therapist see into my world. If you doubt anyone ever enduring the same as you, read this book. Skim it if you will; jump about through the paragraphs; read one page a day if it hurts but, please, read it. Read the real people. Know, in you heart, that you are truly not alone. You have to do that for 'you' now.



3. This book was the first one I read when I finally chose to accept my abuse. It is sensitive, compassionate, and full of positivity. Some of the stories from other surviviors will force you to recall similarities in your life, but in the end, it will help you to appreciate that you're not alone and you will become a Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse and no longer a Victim. Mr. Gartner will give you the tools that you need to move forward and live a life that you always knew you could live. It will not happen over night or over a month or even a year, but it will happen!!



4. We just don't have to feel so alone any more. Dr. Gartner's amazing earlier book, Betrayed as Boys, was written for professionals but he used language that many laymen (including me) can find moving and useful. In Beyond Betrayal, he writes directly to men like us as well as to our partners, spouses, and loved ones. Beyond Betrayal speaks so directly to my own experience as a man trying to heal from boyhood abuse that I almost felt he knew me and wrote it specifically for me. There is a stunning description of early betrayal and how it leads to severe problems with trust in relationships later on. He then leads you through how society cheats you by making you believe that men can't be victims. The result of this is that we often believe that our abuse was our own fault -- leading to shame, silence, and guilt. This section was especially startling and remarkable. He covers all the bases, including abuse by priests and other clergy, abuse by women that we are told is "sexual initiation," and so many other facets of boyhood sexual abuse!
   
   But he dioesn't stop there. Dr Gartner also tells us how to find our way. I not only felt understood, but also felt I got specific tools to move me along a path of healing. The section on how to find a therapist (even if you live in an isolated area not likely to have specialists in boyhood abuse) will be a godsend to many men. So is his section on things we can do for ourselves in addition to therapy. And our partners and loved ones -- who are often really left out in the cold in books like this -- will also find relief, comfort, and specific ways to help themselves, us, and our relationships as we journey together.
   
   Thank you, Dr. Gartner!



5. Gartner has written a must-read book for those of us in recovery. I've read several books on the subject, and "Beyond Betrayal" almost seems to be written directly about MY life. I learned so much about myself by reading and journaling along with this wonderfully helpful book. It has been extremely helpful to my wife as well...she understands so much about me now. Thanks Dr. Gartner!

5 comments about The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster and Regaining Control of Your Life.

1. This book talks about how to manage your life, whether you get out of a verbally abusive relationship or not. However, I really think any book dealing with the subject should also include information on how to escape a harmful relationship. This book is excellent at identifying the problem, and giving realistic ways of dealing with yourself. But no one can survive constant crushing blows to their spirit, self-esteem, and identities forever. If one becomes aware, one must make a change.



2. I have read several books on verbally abusive relationships and I had to put this one down half way through, because like a previous reviewer stated it really does put too much blame on the victim. I would not recommend this book to anybody who is trying to get out of a verbally abusive relationship.



3. This is a great book for everyone that's been verbally abused, past and present. There is nothing like reading firsthand from someone that has been through all the emotions herself. Marcia Powers writes what we all feel and gives us a way to cope and answers our fears about leaving.



4. Before reading this book, I had never realized how I was contributing to my misery. Even though I had accepted that I could not change my partner, I continued to stew over the incidents of his abuse, reliving them in my head again and again. The resulting preoccupation with my situation kept me from participating in enjoyable activities with other people.
   
   When he becomed abusive in the future, I will clearly point out to him that I have nothing to do with his anger and that he is fully responsible for his actions. Then I will focus on something I enjoy doing.



5. Ellis brags in another (later) book "REBT: it works for me" how his ABC program affirmed his life-long habit of sneaking up to women to press his genitals against them as well as his belief that no woman can be tolerated without continual affairs (his first wife didn't agree). The harsh tone of this book is likely due to being co-authored from the perspective of such an admitted and "self-actualized" abuser (who typically just hates what they can't face in themselves... any weakness). An "antisocial" abuser, borderline, bi-polar, or "closet" narcissist will only use you, like any abused substance, to relieve a sense of being controlled and see you as needing their controlling behavior without any remorse (included in the tone of this book - making it an emotionally difficult read). Sadly, abusers and victims often have things in common (like stereotypical relationship views and emotional immaturity), so the abusive tone of this book might actually feel good to you. I strongly recommend just leaving (no matter what it takes) abusive situations (working on better boundaries and verbal self-defense) in the hopes your children won't grow up thinking such abusive behavior is preferred (as is usually the case) to the pathetically weak stance of the normal parent (as children of just a single abusive parent typically develop abusive personalities). The only way to stay in an abusive relationship working for change is from a very great distance (regardless of any economic concerns - people, even strangers, will help you). Buddha said the truth can be a lie, such as calling someone fat simply to hurt and control. In that respect, this book is a very well written lie in an attempt to change your life with a good kick to get you started. But, such is sadly a core aspect of all humanistic psychology... that right and wrong and a "good life" come from subjective personal choices in the moment (like Ellis' own perversions) without relying on existing social norms. I would instead recommend marriage books by Dr. David M. Schnarch (most respected relationship counselor, at least he was able to stay married and raise a daughter), "Private Lies" by Frank Pittman, verbal defense books by Thompson or Suzette Elgin (especially her excellent "You can't say that to me!"), and boundary books by Cloud and Townsend. I would not recommend, as "A Customer" does (I agree with everything else in her excellent review), books by Patricia Evans except to recognize you're not alone since Evans has NO training and very little experience (two things Ellis and Powers has in spades - and why I gave this book two stars). I would have given this book another star with more editing of Ellis' contributions (as is evident in other works by Ellis).

5 comments about Silently Seduced: When Parents Make their Children Partners - Understanding Covert Incest.

1. I am a survivor of incest from the hands of my father. I was searching for a book to read on the topic when I ran across this book. At first I thought that it would not apply to me, but when reading this it gave me my first understanding to what happened to my by the hands of my father. When listening to profilers and how they catagorize different rape preditors I could not really place my father in any of the catagories. Once I read this book I realized that incest (especially from a parent) fits perfectly into the catagories of covert incest to overt incest. As a survivor I have come to the point that I would like to understand why I had suffered this type of violation in my childhood and life. I am really greatful for the insight of such doctors as Dr. Kenneth M. Adams. It was good to read that I was not the disfunctional one in my family but that my family as a whole was disfunctional. This book truly depicts how a relationship between a parent and child can and does cross the line to become very disruptive and at times criminal. A must read book if you are looking to understand incest. --C.J. Wilkes-- Author of "Daddy, I Forgive You"



2. This book is an important addition to the collection of books out there that exist on sexual abuse. Even moreso are the examples of how a mother can be sexually abusive in covert ways unlike fathers who tend to manifest their abuse overtly. This book along with Pat Loves book, The Emotional Incest Syndrome, are the bible of Covert Incest.
   It is easy to say covert incest does not exist since it is subtle, indirect and is about what you don't see, but the victims of this all feel it and it is very real!



3. Wow, very impressive! I read it from cover to cover, in one sitting. Just could not put it down. It is written in a clear and concise manner. Almost every word seems well selected and carefully considered to support the theme of the whole book. Very convincing with powerful logic.
   
   I have to admit when I was hesitant to order this book at the beginning. I thought, "What this says about me, if I need to read a book on this topic?" I felt uncomfortable to put myself in the category of covert incest victim.
   
   Several things which are happening in my life, made me decide to take a try. My career has experienced a setback for several years. I have difficulty in establishing a great long term relationship. And most immediately, I have dreams of being angry at my parents. Those dreams rarely occur, but when they do, once or twice a year, I find my whole body tighten up in anger when I wake up. I ask myself, if I can be so angry about something I don't understand, why not spend some time to understand what exactly makes me so angry?
   
   When the book arrived, I wrapped it up in a book cover to hide the name. I have to agree this is an uncomfortable topic and I do not want to be seen reading such a book in public.
   
   But let me tell you, this is one of the most important books I have read in years. It is neatly organized:
   
   First two chapters:
   -What is the silent seduction?
   -When is a child betrayed by a parent's love?
   Introduce the concept of silent seduction and general pattern.
   
   The next two chapters:
   -The man of the house
   -Daddy's little girl
   Talk about the specific situations in case of a mother and a son, and a father and a daughter. The author uses different cases to address different areas. It is quite specific.
   
   The following chapters:
   -When does sex become a hiding place?
   Discusses the impact on the victim's sexual feelings when the victim grows up.
   
   -The struggle to Commit
   Talk about the impact on relationships the victim will face as an adult
   
   The last chapter:
   -Towards Wholeness
   A short but comforting guide towards healing.
   
   
   When I was reading the first two chapters, I found myself nodding occasionally but suspicious. But when it got specific, my eyes grew wide, as I saw a step by step description of my life. It is as if the author had followed my life and summed it up in different cases. It is scary to see your life being so accurately depicted.
   
   As it was very late (midnight), I went to sleep. And I was sad. The author reminds in the last chapter that when we let it go, we would feel sadness.
   
   I turned back and forth on bed, feeling emptiness. The kind of emptiness you feel when you cannot find the purpose in life.
   
   The book made a very important point, that when we were treated as special by our parents, often it is perceived as love from our parents, and we hang on to it as the only and most powerful love we have experienced, but actually it is not love, it is an expression of needs of our parents. We were there merely to satisfy the emotional needs of our parents. And our needs, when as little kids, were ignored.
   
   Logically, I accepted this point. But emotionally, it was sad to recognize the single most powerful love in our life experience was not even love. It brought a question: what do we live for?
   
   Since I could not sleep, I got up and started reading again.
   
   The next chapter talks about sex addicts. I almost laughed, hey, this could not be about me. Out of curiosity, I did not skip it entirely. Wow, when my finger touched on the last page of this chapter, it turned out it was talking about me. It talks about the seeking of sexual highs, and the seductive patterns.
   
   It exactly describes the experience I have been having in the last year. I reveled in the attention of many suitors. I seduced one after another. Of course, the seduction was very subtle. I behaved exactly like a lady, but secretly put the man of my seduction in anxiety to get me. It was like a power game. And I felt safe when powerful men fell for me. And I do not stay for any long term relationship. I just seduced and moved on. The reason why I never labeled myself as sex addict, was because actual sex seldom happened. The seduction was very sexually charged (with strong sexual energy), but I almost always moved on before the man could actually get me on bed.
   
   I did not realize this was what I was doing until I read this book. I just did it unconsciously. For me, it was a game of fun and power to get back at men, and to make myself feel safe, treasured, chased and desirable. Upon this chapter, I began to realize, maybe, just maybe, it is the start of sexual and love addiction.
   
   The chapter also talks about double life. It did make me laugh, because in my fantasy of success, I always added on a second life of sexual satisfaction. It is my ideal life to be a highly successful woman, with a colorful secret sex life. The thrill of having a secret dirty life against common convention seems so exciting and satisfying, against the background of success and social recognition.
   
   This chapter makes me rethink my goal. Is my goal of success, really something I want, or is it a way to get back at my past so that I do not need to face my past? Is that a way to prove to my parents I grow up to be better than them, beyond their wildest expectations? Is this a way to prove myself I was not hurt by my parents, I grow over and above the hurtful past?
   
   My career is in a setback for several years now. It happened very unexpectedly. When everyone expected me to become a great career woman, suddenly all motivation drained away from me. For several years, I just sat around, wanting to do nothing. In business meetings, though I knew I probably were the most qualified in giving out professional opinions (due to my qualification and educational background), I sat in a corner, demure and obscure. I do not understand why I hate to go out, getting what I deserve, and what the other people think I deserve. It is like I clipped my own wings intentionally.
   
   It came to a point that I took a look at my past. I had been a wonder kid academically. I found whenever my academic future or career future opened up to a new height, somehow, on several important occasions, I just escaped the night (or months) before it happened. I undid the effort I put in for years, to avoid collecting the fruit of being much more successful than others.
   
   Every time I did that, it was extremely painful for me afterwards. Guilt and confusion took over. It took years to build the base for success, and it took years to recover from the disappointment of escaping from success and make a comeback. It was like a cycle. Maybe it finally got to my spirit, and I started to associate the prospect of success, with the slow and deep pains from disappointment and fear of escaping again. So, in the end, I felt chasing success did not worth it any more.
   
   In Ken Adams's book, it discusses the ambivalence of commitment to relationships. It is an extremely interesting chapter. From my personal point of view, I do see my own relationship surfacing from the pages, a quick commitment, an illusion of starting anew, followed by a slow stew of doubt, and the desire to get out.
   
   I do wish this wonderful enlightening chapter could address more issues: not only commitment to relationships, but also commitment to goals and personal ambitions. Does the fear of abandonment drive us away not only from committing to intimacy, but also to allowing ourselves the success we deserve, work hard for, and deny ourselves for?
   
   When it comes to the last chapter, it is comforting to see we are not hopeless. It talks about letting go of your idealized image of the seductive parent. Among the many thing I learn from reading this book, this is probably the most important. To realize what you cherish as the best love and the integral part of your childhood memory and what makes who you are today, is actually an unconscious seduction by your parent to realize his or her own need in an unhappy relationship. It is not about you, and never about you. And you miss the important development phase of recognizing your own needs, building your own character, wants and values as a human being. Chasing your parent's love is like chasing emptiness, something they never can give, and something which does not exist. The lack of it makes a strong emptiness in your heart, since you never learn how to live for yourself. That phase of development was stolen from you, by the need of your parents.
   
   Naturally it is angry to recognize it. It feels like being betrayed by someone so close to your heart. I now partly understand why my dreams were so intense, where I screamed at my parents for their lack of love and their insistency of not seeing the error where it is. (In real life, I never accused my parents. I just cannot.)
   
   The book talks about acknowledging your anger toward the seductive parent. And I agree it is very necessary. We need to see the reality the way it is, before we can come back to reality and come to terms with ourselves.
   
   Is it necessary to make your parents acknowledge your anger and their grand mistake? From my experience, it is a no. Because they most likely will never acknowledge their mistake, and it will become a contest of wills. My grandmother was seriously abusive, (hehe, now I agree family issues pass from generation to generation), and my father was deeply hurt. But until her death, my Grandma never ever admitted her mistake, no matter how miserable she made her children's lives. It is unfortunate in an effort to be a better parent, my father turned out to be very much like my Grandma, even though in different ways. From my lesson, it is largely useless to confront your parents, making them admit their mistakes, since they will never ever able to see themselves in that light. They pride themselves as the best, most righteous people in the neighborhood. While that blind pride probably will make you very angry, because you know how much dirt is wiped under the family carpet, they live for that image.
   
   But it is necessary to speak your voice, and set boundaries. (The book talks about: If your seductive parent is alive, begin to set boundaries and separate.) If you see something seriously wrong in your family, speak out.
   
   During my brief visit to the parents' home the last time, my father consistently verbally abused my mom before me, saying she was stupid, short-sighted, silly woman, never can do a thing right, blah, blah. I finally could not take it any more and I confronted him alone while my mother was away.
   
   He was so angry that I dared to speak like that to him. He screamed how badly he had been treated for years by my mom. I simply said, there is no way to treat even a stranger, the way you treat mom. No matter how bad she is, at least respect her as a human being in your words. Give her the respect she deserves as a person. And I stuck to this basic point. I did not argue what was right or wrong in their marriage, since that was beyond my ability to argue. My father nearly kicked me out of the home. (Hey, it is important to be economically independent, so when you are kicked out, you have a place to go).
   
   In a few days, when I made the second visit back home, he calmed down and even respected me a little bit. Later, my mother told me he changed a little bit to become more accommodating. I do not know whether my confrontation ever worked, but it is rare to see a man like my father change even a little bit.
   
   My experience is, even though I do not have guts to confront my parents directly about my childhood, start to set boundaries and address the family issues in simple, objective terms. Never take side and never be involved in a family political war, because there is no win for you. But address the serious and persistent wrongs happening in your family, in a simple, firm, objective view, to make the person who is aggressor realize it is wrong, and to make the person who is victim realize he or she is being wronged. Set an example of being assertive, and encourage each family member to stand up for him/herself and take responsibility in his/her life. Compassion is a good thing, but compassion can be misplaced and taken advantaged of.
   
   The last chapter, the healing and the change, is in my view, one of the sweetest things to read in this book. It makes me stay hopeful and think of how to have a plan to address the issues. So, it is no surprise I wish this chapter can be longer, and more specific in how to set boundary and how to address the anger invariably arising when dealing with the pains.
   
   Throughout the review, I repeatedly stress how close the cases in the book resembled my own life. And it surprised me a great deal to read the preface and find out the cases were not real life cases, but structured from the author's clinical practice.
   
   Nonetheless, I agree the cases are very close to reality. It happened some of my close friends have serious problems with their families too.
   
   A guy took to drinking to drown his frustration in dealing with his parents. His story was very similar to the cases in the book. Unfortunately, his anger was not recognized by any of his family members. Coming from a very traditional family background, every family member encouraged him to acquiesce to his parents no matter what. (It is valued as great family ethics to respect your parents, no matter what; and give them whatever they want, to feel like a good deserving child.) And it was exactly what I told him too when he came for my help. I said, "After all, it is your parents. Do you want them to feel unhappy as old man and woman?" In my words, I denied his right to be angry, just because he was the child and he had a duty to make his parents happy, especially since his parents were aging. It was several years ago. I wish I had read this book when he came for my help.
   
   He was not the only friend who has this issue. I am certain there are many people out there who experienced similar issues. It is just that this is not supposed to be talked about among friends, or in public. My book cover is still shielding the book title, and you see, I do not want to use my real name in the review.
   
   But, do yourself a favor. Buy and read this book, if you relate yourself to issues like this, or if you are like me, feeling angry and frustrated about yourself without knowing why. Your own childhood problems can spill over to your career, love life and your view on yourself, and potentially, your children. I wish I had read this book earlier. I would have viewed my family and myself more objectively, and also I would have started earlier to treat myself as an adult who takes responsibility for her life and decisions she makes in her life.



4. This book certainly protrays the difficulties and impact on children haunted by covert incest. At 55 yrs. old, my life could have been soooo... much better if I had been diagnosed previously. Thanks very much to my therapist (3rd one I worked with) for identifying this issue for me. Amazon's search engine recommended this book immediately and I devoured its message. The 5th chapter will be presented at our area's Spring Retreat of S.A.A. this April. This book should be a must!!



5. I purchased this book to use clinically, however found it personally enlightening as well. It is fairly simple to read, but the message belies the book's easy readability. The book focuses on covert incest, as the title suggests, and will probably not be very beneficial for overt incest survivors seeking answers. A client of mine borrowed the book and reported that little pertained to her. This does not mean, however that the parent-child dynamics involved in covert incest can't also exist in a more physically/sexually abusive relationship. I recommend this book for clinicans and survivors.

5 comments about When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse.

1. If there are any women out there like me, that are, or have gone through some of the worst things in life with abuse. This book is for you. It is well worth every penny.



2. This book seems excellent for mothers who are either in or survivors of domestic violence ("DV"). However, if you are an adult who survived being raised in a home permeated by DV and you are looking for a book on healing the wounds, this is not the book for you. It gives great advice to assist mothers who have young children. I simply believe that I was not a part of the target audience for this particular book. I was looking for information for individuals who had witnessed repeated incidence of DV throughout their childhood and were attempting to heal the wounds. This is not the book for that purpose.



3. This is an excellent book. It's informative, but very sensitive. I would highly recommend it to any moms out there that are being abused in any way, shape or form. Especially if you don't feel your kids are being affected by you being abused. Because guess what?! They are!



4. This book should be read by every family therapist, as it provides insights into how abusive partners manipulate not only their own families but also therapists and the legal system to maintain power and control over partners and children. This book is much more than another set of anecdotes.



5. This is the best book available about the effects of domestic abuse on children! It's a valuable tool for self-help or counselors. I am a Clinical Social Worker and Certified Domestic Violence Professional, and I recommend this book to most of my clients who are facing issues of divorce, custody, and coping with their children's emotional needs in the aftermath of an abusive relationship. I also use this author's other book "Why Does He Do That?" regularly in working with domestic violence victims and survivors.

5 comments about Cutting: Understanding and Overcoming Self-Mutilation.

1. Levenkron approaches every patient he ever had with stern directness. While it's nice to have a no-nonsense attitude, he only includes patients with whom he's had success so that he comes out smelling like roses.
   
   There is little solid implication that therapy is in development for self-harm, and it is irresponsible to present case history information with the idea that two pages per person (half of which is self-agrandizement) adequately expostulates their plights. This book, in my opinion, is a psychology disaster.
   
   I urge people in therapy and also caregivers to take great care in diversifying research material beyond this book, but to read it anyway, if only to get a ground-idea about some of the twisted ideas and myths that float among therapists regarding the subject matter.



2. This book is about people who cut and has ways to help cutters overcome their addiction to cutting as a means of escape and find better alternatives to this destructive lifestyle.



3. I've known a lot of individuals who engaged in self-mutilating behaviors over the years but this is the first book that I've ever purchased specifically addressing the subject. In the past, I never delved too deeply into this particular area of mental illness, but I'm glad I did because Dr. Levenkron provides a thorough explanation concerning all aspects of cutting including what it is, how to identify it, characteristics of those afflicted with it, why they do it, what feelings in the patient the act brings about, and, most importantly, the recommended methods of treatment. For me, that's about all you can ask for in an introductory text. Something else that added to its instructional value are the case study examples. The client summaries were textured but not so long as to distract from the general discussion. Overall, it was a well-planned and executed work.



4. This is an excellent look into self injury. Why it happens and how to heal.



5. So worth it. Get this book and learn everything you need to know to help your clients!

5 comments about On the Threshold of Hope (Aacc Counseling Library).

1. I cant say that i have read every book out the on sexual abuse but have been through several. This book definitely will transform your life cos it did mine. I am really lost for the right words to use to describe this book. But in my healing journey i have been searching for a book that will help me through my short-comings or 'issues' as some might say, but most books i found were just a bunch of stories without much depth. just stuff to make you feel better about yourself or tell you it's not your fault or just some butter and cream recipe to give you an appearance of hapiness. Dr. Langberg books is quite different. Thank you for sharing your insight.



2. I'm a survivor of 18 years of childhood sexual abuse. I've read several books about abuse trying to understand and make sense of it and to help find a way to live a normal life despite the past.
   
   "On The Threshold of Hope" was the first book I've read that made me feel like there was hope of healing from the painful aftereffects of childhood abuse. I started feeling that maybe God didn't desert me during those years but that He cried with me and He hated what was happening to me just as much or more than I did.
   
   I felt like the author had reached inside my soul and written all the words that I couldn't articulate. Even down to the experiences of others that were so close to mine. I've experienced flashbacks and nightmares for the past two years. Before that, I thought I had pretty much gotten over the past and life was going relatively well. Then at 48 years old, the flashbacks and nightmares started out of know where. The intensity and realness of these flashbacks and nightmares was terrifying.
   
   This book explains all that I've experienced. It outlines and guides you down a path to help you get through the pain and start real healing. As the book states, healing is a process and can take time. I'm in the process of that healing now with a good therapist that understands the issues of childhood sexual abuse and supportive friends who are standing by me to grab my hand when I can't hold on.
   
   Thank you for sharing this amazing book...it has truly helped give me hope for a life that can be full of wonderful memories and experiences.
   
   I've purchased copies to put in our church library and shipped copies off to friends that have family that have gone through similar situations.



3. This is a painfully realistic portrayal of the pain of sexual abuse. She compassionately addresses all of the deep hurts of the women and men assaulted especially in child-hood by their abusers. She is frank, especially about addressing the fact that much time may be involved in the recovery of a sexual abuse victim. Excellent book!



4. This is an excellant book. This book walks you thru the journey of giving youself a voice about the abuse. This book has many stories to relate too and are in a heartfelt way. The title of "On The Threshold of Hope" really says it all. A must read for any sexual abuse survivor. I would recommend this book to anyone.



5. this book is amazing..... it helped me unblock issues i had blocked. the short chapters are great idea. i definately reccommend doing this with a counselor or trusted friend. be nice if there was a workbook with the book. but the book alone is ok.